Title: Oh My… We’re Where Exactly?
Setting: BTVS AU 7, pre-series
Disclaimer: Don’t own anything but the plot and the original characters
Warnings: Lots of original characters
Rating: NC-17 to be on the safe side
Summary: After the events of Ghosts, Goblins, and Ghouls… Oh My!, Spike and Buffy return to Skald Hill Manor for Xander’s car. You would think they’d know better than to explore an formerly haunted house, wouldn’t you?
Nov 2nd, 1843
Buffy landed on something soft. “Umph,” she grunted.
“Careful with the knee, pet,” Spike wheezed. He put his arms around Buffy.
“Watch that first step. It’s a doozy,” Buffy said. She opened her eyes, and she looked around. “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, Toto.” She let out a small shriek when something snuffled in her hair.
“I’d say not, Dorothy,” Spike muttered. “It’s a bloody horse tryin’ to eat your hair.”
Buffy rolled off Spike, and she stared up at the saddled equine. “I sure hope you’re not expecting me to ride that thing. If you think my driving is bad, you don’t want to see me on a horse.”
“Don’t worry, luv. I can ride a horse just fine.” Spike looked around their surroundings. “Any idea where we are?”
“Things have changed a lot in 150 some years,” Buffy replied. She looked around too. “I think these are the falls that sit on the other side of Rocky Hill. I recognize the funky looking rock at the top there.” She pointed at the stone she was talking about.
Spike stumbled to his feet. He twisted his head around, and the bones in his neck let out a loud crack. This wasn’t going to be easy for him. “Being human again is going to be bloody hard,” he muttered.
“Yeah, well, Liz here isn’t a Slayer, that’s for sure.” Buffy held her hand out to let Spike help her to her feet. “I haven’t felt this way since Giles drugged me for the Council’s little ‘let’s kill the Slayer’ trial.”
“Idiot Watchers.” Spike glanced at the horse. “You stay put, pet. I’ll catch the horse.”
Buffy had a dubious look on her face. “You’re really going to make me ride that thing?”
“It’s only a horse, Slayer. Buck up.”
“You don’t like bears, Anya doesn’t like bunnies, and Willow doesn’t like frogs. I’m sorry that I don’t like horses.” Buffy brushed off her dress. She looked down at the long skirt. “Haven’t liked long skirts much either since that Halloween back when you were trying to kill me.”
Spike smirked at the memory. “Good times, Slayer. Good times.” Then, he turned towards the horse. Clicking his tongue, he slowly approached the skittish animal.
The horse snorted at Spike before it danced away with a neigh that could only be interpreted as a laugh. The animal continued to elude Spike by letting the man get just a few inches away from the reins before it leapt away.
Buffy tried to control her mirth by pushing her fist into her mouth. She knew that if Spike had his vampire powers the horse would be caught in the first few seconds. Heck, if she had her powers she could lend him a hand, but as it was all she could do was stand on the sidelines and watch.
“Damned soddin’ devil horse.”
“Sounds like you found a name for him,” Buffy called out.
Spike swung around to glare at Buffy, and he didn’t notice as Devil Horse snuck up on him. Before he could speak to Buffy, he was face first in the dirt with the animal snuffling his hair. “Get the bloody hell off me, you bleedin’ overgrown …”
Devil Horse snorted loudly. Then, he pranced away to wait for Spike to get to his feet.
Spike climbed to his feet, and he dusted himself off. “Being human sucks, Slayer. It really sucks arse.” He turned to glare at Devil Horse. “Time to show this demon who’s the boss around here.”
Buffy stumbled over to a nearby log where she sat down to watch the show. “The only thing missing is dinner for my show.” Her stomach growled loudly.
“Ha bloody ha, pet. You’re just a barrel of monkeys today.” Spike pretended he was ignoring Devil Horse. “I hope you’re not expecting some Valley Girl nouvelle cuisine. I think the best we can hope for is some jerky in Devil Horse’s saddle bags.”
Devil Horse neighed in response.
“Yeah, if you catch him,” Buffy teased.
“You could get in here and help!” Spike said in a grumpy voice.
Buffy put the back of her hand to her forehead. “But, alas, I am a proper lady. I wasn’t meant to do such things. I’m just meant to look pretty.”
“Havin’ Halloween flashbacks again, are we?”
“Whatever.” Buffy’s stomach growled again to punctuate her words. “Are you planning on catching that horse anytime soon?”
“Yeah.” Spike lunged for Devil Horse, and his hands closed around the leather reins. “Right about NOW!” Then, he grabbed Devil Horse’s ear with one hand, and he pinched it tightly.
Devil Horse let out an angry hissing noise and bared his teeth.
“You listen here, mate,” Spike whispered. “I’m the one in charge. You need to do what I want or the lovely lady is gonna continue to laugh at us big manly men.” He snorted when Devil Horse twisted to look at Buffy.
The big horse let out a resigned puff, and he lowered his head in submission. Being laughed at wasn’t any fun no matter who was doing it, even a pretty lady.
“Any jerky in that saddlebag?”
“Let me check.” Spike released his grip on Devil Horse’s ear, but he kept the reins firmly in hand. He pulled the saddlebag off the horse. Then, he led the horse to a nearby low hanging branch where he tied the reins up. He patted the horse’s neck while he said, “I’ll take the saddle off in a few minutes, boy.”
“It’s getting dark,” Buffy replied. “I hope there are matches or something in there.”
“Won’t be my trusty Zippo,” Spike muttered. He went to Buffy’s side, and he flopped down on the ground. He never realized how exhausting being human was. “They weren’t made till the 1930’s.”
“When did you get yours?” Buffy asked.
Spike grimaced. He wasn’t too sure he should tell the Slayer about how he got his lighter. He was on her good side now, and that story just might make her mad at him.
Buffy laid a hand on Spike’s arm. “I know who you are and what you are, Spike.” She sighed. “I’m sorry I was such a bitch to you that you feel you have to hide things from me.”
“Not hidin’, pet. Just don’t wanna brass you off.” Spike opened up the saddlebag. “It was back durin’ World War Two. I made the mistake of going to a free virgin blood party.”
Buffy laughed. “You fell for that?”
“Well, I did get a mite suspicious when all of the so called virgins looked like Goebbels,” Spike said with a smirk. “That’s one of Hitler’s Prime Ministers, for little Slayers who skipped Social Studies class.”
“Wasn’t my fault,” Buffy protested.
“Anyway, I was captured, and I found myself on an underwater tin box.” Spike scrambled to his feet, because he wanted to be out of smacking distance. So, he went over to Devil Horse, and he started to loosen the saddle cinch. “Angelus – or who I thought was Angelus – showed up. Things happened, and pretty soon the only bloke who could fix the U-boat was dyin’. Your honey bear vamped him.”
“What’s this got to do with your lighter?”
Spike dragged the saddle off the horse, and he put it on a nearby boulder. “I nicked the lighter from that bloke.” He shook his head. “I suppose I could have given it back after he was turned, but I’m a bad, rude man.”
“Interesting, not as exciting as how you might have gotten the Desoto, but interesting.” Buffy peeked inside the saddlebag. “Yes!” She pulled out a small box with the word ‘matches’ printed on one side.”
“Firewood time,” Spike grunted. He pulled the blanket off Devil Horse’s back, and he threw it on top of the saddle. He’d have to take the horse down to the water’s edge for a drink pretty soon, but he was willing to wait till the fire was going.
Buffy gazed into the firelight while she tried to ignore the flickering shadows that the flames made. She didn’t like camping. She was a city girl, for goodness sakes.
In the distance, a pack of coyotes yipped at the moon.
“You don’t think there’s any bears out there do you?” Buffy asked.
“Bears?” Spike looked around, his eyes wide with terror. “Don’t joke about things like that, Slayer. It was a big enough fear when I was a vampire. It’s worse now that I’m human.”
Buffy realized that Spike was terrified. Seeing the horrified look on his face made her sorry she made fun, and she knew she needed to distract him. “Come here, Spike,” she said while she patted the ground beside her. “I’ll take your mind off the big, old, nasty bears.”
Spike gave Buffy a pleased look before he scooted to her side. “You’re not bothered by being stuck in a body that’s not your own.”
“Well, it is a bit wiggy.” Buffy laughed. “I haven’t used that term in awhile. I mean, the last time this happened I was stuck in Faith’s body. At least, she was a Slayer.”
“Oh, interesting, luv. You must tell me all about it.”
“Okay. Lay back with me.” Buffy laid her head back on the horse blanket. She wrinkled her nose at the smell, but she didn’t move. When Spike put his head on the blanket too, she rolled over to face him, and she told him all about the body swap with Faith during her first year of college
The man woke up slowly. He opened his eyes to find himself in a dark room with a low ceiling and log walls. He was covered with a scratchy, woolen blanket.
“Oh, Ajax, you’re awake!” A dark-haired woman flung herself onto the bed next to the man. “You stopped breathing. I thought you were dead for sure.”
“Where am I?” the man said.
“Warrington, Nebraska, of course,” the woman said in a confused tone. “You came down with influenza last week. I’ve been taking care of you.”
“Who are you?”
“Ajax Kellogg, don’t you be playing with me. I’m Sarah Kellogg, your wife.” Sarah rose to her feet. She went to the curtain that kept the bed private from the rest of cabin. “Johnny, get on that old mule of yours and get the doctor. Something’s wrong with your pa.”
“Okay, Ma,” a young boy’s voice reached the man’s ears.
Originally posted at https://seasonal-spuffy.dreamwidth.org/322831.html