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Dream The First
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Buffy looked around and saw a lush green lawn leading up to a tall, leafy tree growing beside a rippling brook. Under the tree sat her mother. Joyce was weaving daisies into a wreath when she noticed Buffy and smiled in greeting. “Sweetheart! Come sit with me for a while. Let’s just have Mom-and-Buffy time for a while. Even a Slayer needs a rest from time to time.”
“Oh, Mommy,” Buffy rushed to her side and threw her arms around her mother. “I’ve missed you so much! I looked for you in heaven, but I don’t remember if I ever found you.” That had bothered Buffy too–the not remembering important things from her time in heaven. Had she remembered at first? Had those memories been stolen by her friend’s mind manipulation? Surely her mom was in heaven and, just as surely, she would have been there with Buffy until her daughter was dragged out of that place.
Joyce stroked Buffy’s hair and smiled. “You never lost me, sweetie. I’m always with you. Heaven isn’t a place like Paris or Boston; it’s more like a place behind a veil or another room. One day, a long time from now, you’ll be able to see and hear me again while you are awake, just as I see and hear you. I’m always with you, honey. Love never leaves,” Joyce promised.
“Everything is so hard without you. I’m too young and stupid to be a mom already and I’m messing up so bad with Dawn and the bills and everything. I just want it all to go away, like when I was little. I don’t want to be a grown-up, Mommy. I never got the chance to be just a girl.” Buffy settled at her mother side and lay her head in Joyce’s lap.
“You just need time, Buffy. You’ll do fine. You aren’t alone, you know.” Joyce placed the completed wreath on Buffy’s head and tucked a stray lock of hair behind Buffy’s ear. “Your hair looks adorable, sweetie.”
“Thanks,” Buffy smiled. “I cut it. I think I hurt Spike’s feelings.”
“You may have; he feels things deeply.” Joyce pulled Buffy into an embrace and kissed her brow. “Tell you what, why don’t you lay your head in my lap again and I’ll tell you a story like when you were little.”
“Okay,” Buffy said her voice sounding quite young and needy. “Will it be about pretty princesses who live happily ever after?”
“Not right away. Even princesses have to learn how to know what they need to be happy. Just listen and rest, honey.” Joyce stroked her daughter’s hair and began her tale the way they always begin.
“Once upon a time, a very long time ago…,” Joyce’s voice soothed Buffy and warmed her too cold heart. “There was a man and a woman who wanted a child more than anything. They tried and tried and one day the woman discovered her prayers were answered at last and a baby was on its way.
“In time, the baby was born and no child had ever been more lovely than this little girl. The man and his wife were beyond happy and the three spent their days in joy as the girl grew and thrived.
“They had named the girl Buffy because the name made them smile, just as their daughter always did.
“Sadly, the man and woman grew apart, although they both still loved their child dearly. In time, it was only the mother and her sweet Buffy alone.
“As Buffy grew, she discovered the enchanted world that they lived in was not just filled with flowers and fairy dust. There were monsters and trolls as well. There was also a powerful Mage who came and told Buffy that she was special and had a special duty that would require all of her heart, all of her life and all of her energy.
“Buffy liked feeling special again, as she once had with her father. Her mother worried about the things the Mage asked of Buffy, but she was made to believe that her beautiful daughter had come into the world for this very purpose.
“And so the mother allowed the Mage to take her daughter away to his tower to learn and train and fight the monsters. Princess Buffy did have two friends at the castle, however. One was a powerful witch and the other a lovesick boy.”
Buffy giggled at her mother’s story and added, “Willow and Xander! I bet Giles is the Mage, too.”
“Hush, Buffy, let me tell this story,” Joyce replied with a smile.
“Princess Buffy’s life wasn’t unpleasant. She did her duty and she loved her friends. The Mage loved her too, almost like a father.” Joyce paused briefly. “Buffy met a prince from another kingdom while she was fighting off the monsters of her world. He was glib and charming and had her beguiled quickly. Sadly, his heart was not pure and after many many tears and troubles, he left her.
“The Mage and Buffy’s friends had been hurt by this prince as well, and they feared for Buffy. She was so perfect, so pure that no one could be found worthy enough to be her partner, her true love. The bad part was that her friends and the Mage all loved her so much that they decided she should be protected, that her judgement was never to be accepted if it didn’t match theirs. She must not be allowed to hurt herself again. And so they shut her in a tower…all for her own good, of course.”
“But, Mom…,” Buffy interrupted.
“Shh, Buffy, just listen.”
“Now, Buffy was very smart, as well as beautiful, and she learned quickly. The bad part was that sometimes the lessons she learned were the wrong ones. The first big wrong thing she learned was that her own opinion wasn’t as important as her friends’ or the Mage’s. Princess Buffy stopped listening to her own heart until it was as shut up behind walls as she was herself.
“She also learned another wrong lesson. She believed that all princes were like the one who had broken her heart and stolen her confidence.
“Her friends rather liked having Princess Buffy all to themselves. They enjoyed being able to point to the beautiful and blessed Princess and claim her as their special friend. They did not wish to share her with any other.”
“That’s not true, Mom,” Buffy protested. “Everybody just wants me to have a normal guy, a normal life.”
“Buffy, dear, even I realized that wasn’t likely for the Slayer,” Joyce replied gently. “Sweetheart, the very things that depress you the most are the ‘normal’ parts of your life! The job, the mortgage, the bills, raising Dawn, taking care of the house–those are all part of ‘normal life’ and you hate those parts of your life. You enjoy the slaying and you love who you love.”
“That’s the problem, Mom: I can’t love,” Buffy sniffed.
“Nonsense! Who put that idea in your head, Buffy Summers?” Joyce looked like she’d like a few minutes alone with the culprit. “Why, you’ve always been the most loving girl. Look at how you opened your heart to Dawn and to your friends, even though they were social outcasts? Sweetheart, you glow with love,” Joyce stated emphatically. “The only thing you lack is the confidence to admit what you want and courage to fight for it.”
“I guess being a coward is better than not being able to love,” Buffy mumbled. “Barely.”
“Now, I never said you were a coward, Buffy Anne,” Joyce admonished. “Just listen to the rest of the story.”
“As I was saying, her friends did not wish to share her with any other. They had loves of their own and lives apart from the Princess, but she was alone. Her friends didn’t mean for her to be unhappy; they simply didn’t know she felt so alone. After all, Buffy was a powerful and beautiful Princess, how could she be anything BUT happy?”
“After the Prince left Buffy for his kingdom and personal glory, a knight rode into the town. Princess Buffy wasn’t interested in the knight, but her friends, having noticed that she was missing the Prince, arranged for them to be together often. They spoke highly of the knight and his many deeds. He was renowned for the many dragons he had slain and battles he had won. Indeed, her friends were sure that the knight was the perfect match for the Princess.”
“I thought you liked Riley, Mom?” Buffy interrupted the narrative again.
“Isn’t it interesting that you knew who I was speaking of right away?” Joyce teased. “Riley was a nice enough boy on the surface, but I was never pleased with your relationship. In the first place, he was your TA and having a relationship with a student should have been cause for his dismissal from the University. I never approved of his group, that Initiative, and their kidnapping and torture of other beings.” Joyce held up a hand as she saw Buffy start to object. “I know, I know, you kill demons every night. That’s different, Buffy, and you know it. You do it as a sacred duty. They never even bother to even find out if a demon is dangerous or not. They didn’t just kill, they made them into lab rats, experiments. They act from bigotry, not any calling to protect humanity from a danger. Don’t get me started on that bunch!”
“Okay, I give you that one, but Riley left the Initiative,” Buffy argued.
“Did he? When he left you, wasn’t it to return to demon hunting with a military group? Tell me how that is different,” Joyce challenged.
Buffy looked at her mother and could find no words to dispute what Joyce said.
“And when he came back to town, wasn’t he still with that group, still hunting down demons?” Joyce quirked an eyebrow as she waited for Buffy to respond.
“I guess,” Buffy grudgingly admitted. She was feeling very uncomfortable looking at Riley in this light. “How about you start the story again?” Buffy hoped her mom would get off the subject pretty quickly.
Joyce looked at Buffy closely, as if trying to come to a decision. “Very well, I’ll lead you a bit further,” she said cryptically.
“Now, where was I? Oh, yes, the knight that Princess Buffy’s friends tried to match her up with. The knight tried to live in Buffy’s world, fight by her rules, but it was never enough. He knew that he was merely a knight while she was the Princess. The knight never felt good enough, even though Princess Buffy did nothing to make him feel inadequate. Finally, the knight fled. He demanded the Princess accept an ultimatum and then rushed away before she had time to know her own heart. He left, even though there was a powerful enemy tearing at Buffy’s heels, an enemy that had already caused much harm and worry for the Princess. Buffy was also grieving for the loss of her mother, the Queen, who had died while Buffy was fulfilling her duties.”
Joyce looked at her beloved daughter and knew that Buffy was going to have to see the truths she needed for herself, rather than having them told to her.
“Buffy, precious, I thought this was the way to make you see your own heart, but I think I was wrong. You’ve built so many walls to protect yourself from the truth that even I can’t chip away enough to get through in one night.” Joyce sighed deeply and seemed to be listening to someone, even though Buffy could hear no sound. After a pause, Joyce nodded sadly and then smiled down at her daughter.
“Perhaps it’s time for another dream, one a bit more first person.” Joyce rose and held out her hand to Buffy to help her up. “Baby, I’m going to disappear for a while so you can see for yourself.” When Joyce saw the panic and tears in Buffy’s eyes as her daughter realized she was being left yet again, she hastened to reassure her. “Oh, no, sweetie, I’ll not go far! I’ll be nearby and as soon as you’ve figured it out, I’ll be right back. I just want you to find the path to happiness on your own. It’s the only way you’ll know the feelings are really your own. After all, I don’t want to do what Princess Buffy’s friends did to her with the knight, now do I?”
“I’ll see you again?” Buffy asked, sounding like a child once more.
“Absolutely,” Joyce promised and sealed it with a kiss.
Originally posted at http://seasonal-spuffy.livejournal.com/114583.html
