The Day After
Thanks to my wonderful beta reddygirl
“You have to tell Buffy you’re alive.”
“Oy, Peaches, since when did you start to care about me?”
“It’s not about you, moron. To survive we need to enter into the alliance with the Council against Wolrfam and Hart. I have to meet Giles and I don’t want to abase myself by lying to him”.
“So it’s all about you, Peaches.”
“It’s about saving your lame ass, Spike”.
“Our lame asses”.
“Whatever. We go to the Council right now”.
Ignoring Spike’s lamentations, Angel resumed walking down the Oxford street. It was good to be in London again. After LA’s pervasive sunshine it was comforting to see an overcast sky. Even Spike’s presence was more or less tolerable – until the prospect of seeing Buffy turned him into a frightened idiot.
“Peaches. I can’t. You should phone Giles first. He should prepare Buffy for the news of my resurrection.”
“Belated news”, Angel added vindictively.
“Right. I don’t want her to have a heart attack.”
“Come on, Spike. You just want her to pour her anger on somebody else. Namely, Giles.”
“He owes me. Tried to kill me.”
“What can I say, Spike? You have that endearing ability to make people want to stake you…”
Angel dialed Giles’ number.
“Giles, listen… Yes, I know, but it’s very important. First, I must explain about the current situation regarding Wolfram and Hart…”
“…Please excuse me for a minute”, Giles said to Buffy and Willow as he left the conference room for his private office, mobile phone in his hand.
Buffy rolled her eyes.
“He is turning into a big fat bureaucrat”.
Willow shrugged. She couldn’t get accustomed to a permanently grumpy Slayer. Willow hoped that life in Italy would turn Buffy into her usual self. But yesterday she flew back to London and announced that she had broken up with her perfect lover and needed action to distract her mind from sad thoughts. So far, the only action she found was snarkage with Giles.
Poor Giles. Willow couldn’t keep herself from defending him.
“Giles is so busy lately. Do you remember that incident with the robo-ninjas who were trying to impersonate members of the Council last year?”
“It seems that these guys struck again. Yesterday two burglars broke into the coven’s treasure-house and tried to steal The Orb of Ligurie. We couldn’t stop them the usual way, because they were robots. We had to destroy them”.
“Wait-wait-wait. You guys told me last year that these guys who made robots had been arrested and would have faced trial.”
“They did. But, unfortunately, their robots didn’t. They have sold a lot of them. To crime bosses, to perverts…’
“These robots have a… wide range of abilities. Remember the robots Warren built?”
“You mean these robo-ninjas can be used for sex?!”
Willow blushed even more.
“There are different models. They’re pretty easy to customize… So I heard from Andrew.”
“What have you heard from me?” Andrew inquired as he entered the room.
“About robo-ninjas,” Willow murmured, embarassed. “Giles had been very busy with these things the last few days and Buffy thinks he’s engrossed in work and doesn’t have time for us.”
“He does”, Andrew said. “Yesterday he talked to me about Buffy”.
Buffy noticed that Willow was signalling to Andrew to stop but he continued.
“He is worried about you, Buffy. You’re still grieving about…”
“It’s none of your business, Andrew”, she interrupted sharply.
“If you knew what I know…”
He cut himself short.
“Nothing,” Andrew murmured, hiding his eyes. “What we were talking about? About… about robots…”
Buffy rolled her eyes.
“What – about robots?”
The door slammed.
“Giles!” Andrew exclaimed, relieved. “Do you remember our conversation about these robots?”
Giles nodded absently.
“Buffy”, he said. “Angel phoned.”
She jumped up.
“What happened? Is he OK? Where is he?”
Giles started polishing his glasses.
“A lot of things happened. But he’s OK. Actually, he’s here.”
“He’s entering the building right now. And… Buffy… he has a surprise for you”.
Buffy frowned. Seven years on the Hellmouth taught her to beware surprises.
“I don’t like the tone of your voice, Giles”.
The Watcher smiled, clearly embarassed.
“Erm… It’s a nice surprise, Buffy”.
“Nice surprises and Buffy are unmixy”.
“Oh, Buffy, you don’t mean it”, Willow said. “You’re just tired. You should relax. You don’t go to the movies, you don’t go to night clubs, you don’t have fun. You need fun! Maybe you’ll like Angel’s surprise…”
Her words have been interrupted with the sound of the door opening. Buffy saw Angel and behind him…
“What the hell is wrong with you guys!” she exploded. “You’re sick, creepy perverts – all of you!”
“Buffy…” Giles started, confused.
“I just can’t believe it!”, she exclaimed, staring at the figure in the black duster. “How could you?”
“Buffy, we thought…” Angel murmured.
“You decided I needed a sex toy? A Spikebot?”
“What?” Angel, Spike, Giles and Andrew said simultaneously.
“I hate you!”
And she ran out of the room.
“Luv, it’s the real me”, Spike said belately, but Buffy had already slammed the door in his face.
Spike glared at Giles, rolled his eyes and followed Buffy.
He found her in the next room at the corner of a big leather couch: she sat there, her head on her knees, her body shaking with sobs.
She flinched but didn’t raise up her head.
“Buffy, it’s me, Spike.”
She didn’t reply but at least she didn’t try to stake him. Encouraged, he sat down next to her.
“Pet”, he said, as heartfelt as he could. “I’m sorry I made you cry. You may dust me if you want”.
“How do I switch you off?”
“Where is your switch?”
Spike giggled nervously.
“Buffy, it’s insane. I’m not a bloody… I’m – look at me.”
She gave him a mournful glance.
“Oh, you’re a very good model. Does it tickle your ego? I mean – do you have an ego?”
Spike sighed, thinking hard.
“Buffy, are you serious? OK – what am I to do to convince you that I’m really Spike?”
“Oh, that’s quite an argument, Pet. Let me remind you that you died twice”.
“I see you’re well-informed. So, according to your programme you died and came back from the dead.”
“Yes, Angel brought me back…” Spike faltered. “It’s not what you think. Actually, it was the amulet. And a big conspiracy”.
“Spare me the details. When he did he do it?”
“Last summer… I wanted to go to you, but couldn’t leave “Wolfram and Hart”.
Buffy nodded thoughtfully.
“Because of your programming”.
“What? No! I was a ghost!”
“Whatever. Ghosts, ninjas, robocops…” She frowned. “So, Angel had you there for almost a year.”
“It’s not what you… Actually, I was helping him”.
“Yes, yours truly has been helping the bloody Poof. OK, sometimes I annoyed the hell out of him when I spied on him in the shower and… well, forget it”.
“Pervert”, Buffy murmured.
“I’m not! ”
“Not you. Him. To make a plaything-cum-soldier…” Buffy squinted her eyes at him. “Willow says your model is easily customised. Do you have exchangeable nozzles or something?”
“What?!” Spike exploded. “I’m not Poof’s plaything!”
“Um, sorry. I mean – really. I swear I’m a very robot-tolerant person. I watched many movies about robots with great personalities and I respect robot’s self-esteem. It’s just your looks…”
Spike started to lose his patience. He expected anything but that.
“Do you want me to describe our sexual maraphons in my crypt?”
Buffy smiled darkly.
“You can do that?”
“Of course I can!”
She shook her head. After the incident in Rome when she caught Angel’s minion spying on her, she started thinking that, maybe, her former lover was secretly keeping tabs on her all the time they spent apart. At the time she dismissed the idea as paranoid, but now…
“So, Angel was spying on me since Sunnydale? Or he had bought the stuff Andrew and his freaks had shot?!”
Spike rolled his eyes.
“Buffy, it’s official. You’re a stupid bint! What I should do to convince you that I’m not a robot?”
“Nothing. A Spike who hadn’t come to me immediately after resurrection? A Spike who lives with Angel and helps him? A robot. Because real Spike couldn’t stand Angel’s guts.”
“I can’t stand him too!”
“A-ha! You said “too” – meaning you’re not him”.
Taken aback, Spike sprang up on his feet and started pacing the room back and forth.
“Oh, God”, Buffy sighed. “I wish I could switch you off”.
Spike stopped as an idea occurred to him.
“You want to switch me off? Fine! But, for your information, my switch is in my pants.”
Buffy lookes at him incredulously and for a second Spike saw a flicker of doubt in her eyes. Inspired, he added, “It’s stylized. Looks like my balls.”
After a brief hesitation Buffy started to unzip his pants. Her hands were shaking.
“Angel will pay for this”, she murmured. “I bet it was him who put your switch on your… where it is.”
“Why not?” countered Spike enjoying the touch of her hands. “It’s very handy. A guarantee that it can’t be switched off by Angel’s enemies”.
Buffy gasped at the sight of Spike’s erection. He grinned innocently.
“Do you like it, Slayer?”
“God,” she breathed out. “Looks so natural it’s even scary.”
She frowned as a thought occured to her.
“Hey – did Angel draw a sketch for your model?”
“He made a sculpture sample”, Spike said as he decided things can’t go worse.
“OK, that’s enough. Where is the switch?”
“In your hands, Pet,” Spike leered in spite of himself. “The trick is that the switch is a bio-organic mojo. It can be triggered only by the touch of a tongue”.
Buffy looked at Spike, saw him smirking – and the realisation finally struck her.
“Maybe we should evacuate the building?” Andrew asked nervously, listening to the sounds of crashing furniture in the next room.
Giles shrugged. After the attack of the First Evil Council took measures and the new building could endure a direct nuclear attack. Hopefully a pissed off slayer can’t cause more damage than a nuclear bomb.
“I hope all your furniture is made of plastic and metal”, Angel murmured. “Sharp wooden shards are very dangerous”.
“There are days when I bless Willow’s decision to bring modern look to Council’s headquarters”, Giles said.
“Thank you”, Willow smiled. “Hope they appreciate the leather couch”.
“Ahh, leather and Spike…” Andrew sighed dreamily.
His words were punctuated by another loud crash. Giles winced.
“OK”, Angel said. “We have to do something about it…”
“Wait”, Andrew said. “Hear?”
“I hear nothing,” Giles declared after a few seconds.
“God, could Buffy have dusted him?” Willow asked, dismayed.
“Relax”, Angel said. “I hear smacking noices”.
“Vampire hearing?” Willow smiled, relieved.
“We have to check!” Andrew exclaimed, as he opened his laptop. “You know, just in case… There is a surveillance camera in there and I can get the feed… ”
The temptation was too great. In spite of themselves everybody stared at the screen.
“Oh”, Giles said and started polishing his glasses.
“Wow”, Willow said and nervously licked her lips.
“Spike is so hot!” Andrew squealed and added hastily. “I mean – girls like him. Even lesbians”.
Mesmerized, they couldn’t tear their eyes off the screen.
“You guys want me to bring popcorn?” Angel quipped, finally, breaking the mood.
“Um, sorry…” Andrew said. “So, back to that Wolfram and Hart business…”
And he switched off the screen after making sure that “record” button was on.
Originally posted at http://seasonal-spuffy.livejournal.com/130853.html