Title: Tabula Not Rasa
Genre: comedy, crack!fic
Rating: R (Characters talk about sex. A lot)
Summary: Post-Tabula Rasa. Xander hasn’t stepped on the memory-wiping crystal, so Willow had to find another way to restore their memories. All their memories.
Disclaimer: They belong to Joss – but he said I could play with them.
Author’s notes: Much thanks to my amazing beta deird1 and to community host enigmaticblues for organizing the event.
They reluctantly stopped their make-out session in the dark corner of the Magic Box and joined their friends. Randy’s father, Mr. Giles, shot them a disapproving glance.
“I’m surprised by your levity, children” he said. “In a few minutes we’ll restore our memories and probably we’ll find out a lot of unpleasant things about ourselves. You, Randy, are a vampire. You, Joan, are supernaturally strong. Willow displays the skills of an experienced witch and you, Dawn, are a kleptomaniac.”
“I so am not! I took that stupid ring of Thalia because… because I wanted to polish the stone. You know, to make it brighter.”
“Thank God I found you playing with the ring before you did anything,” Anya said. “The ring of Thalia is a very powerful talisman. You could invoke something nasty.”
“I planned to return it, I swear!”
“Okay, not the point,” Mr. Giles sighed as he looked over the group. “All I want to say is that we should be ready to face the truth.”
“We are ready,” Tara said.
Willow Rosenberg smiled encouragingly. “Actually, guys, we were very lucky to find that Orlon Window on eBay. These types of artefacts are very hard to find.”
“Could you explain us more about this thing?” Alexander Harris asked. “Because, frankly, I’m so not looking forward to that glowing yellow glass cube changing something in my head.”
Willow frowned. “I also don’t like it, but this is our last chance to restore our memories. We tried everything else and failed. An Orlon Window is the ultimate mojo against memory spells. If you break it around someone whose mind had been altered, then all his or her old memories would come back.”
Joan plopped on Randy’s lap and giggled. “I can’t wait to get back the memories of our first encounter. I bet you were swamping me with your stupid love poems.”
“And I bet you were swooning!” Randy retorted.
“And I bet that in reality you hate each other,” Dawn muttered.
“Okay, Willow, do it,” Mr. Giles said, exasperated.
Willow Rosenberg slammed the glass cube into the ground. It released an explosion of bright yellow light, and everyone in the room staggered from the blast.
“Spike, whatever you want to say – don’t! Just… don’t.”
“Um… okay, pet.”
Buffy nodded. “Okay. Nobody panics. Willow?”
Willow looked mortified. “Oh, God… Guys… Tara… forgive me…”
Tara’s eyes were filled with horror and disgust.
“How could you… You did a spell to erase my memories!”
“Oh, baby, forgive me – I only wanted to make you forget our quarrel…”
“But you can’t make people forget their past! It’s… It’s horrible!”
“It depends,” Xander said philosophically. “I’d give my comics collection and Star Wars DVDs to forget – again! – what Buffy and Spike did in Giles’ bedroom the day Willow wished them to marry.”
“What?” Willow gasped.
“Thank you, Xander,” Buffy said acidly. “Your tact and delicacy are really touching.”
Xander gulped. “Sorry, Buff – nothing personal. I’m only making a point that some memories would better be forgotten forever. I mean – you wouldn’t mant to remember either if you’d accidentally caught me and Anya during… um… ”
“Doing the naughty?” Spike prompted helpfully. “Actually, seeing your faces when you broke into Giles’ bedroom and saw us shagging was almost as good as the sex itself.”
“Spike, shut your mouth!” Buffy screeched.
“I loved your daring approach to the classic Kama-Sutra positions, Buffy,” Anya said brightly. “I’m happy I got my memory back. I think we should try some of the positions, Xander. And you, Giles, should be ashamed of deleting such unique memories as the sight of a Slayer cavorting with a vampire.”
They all looked at Giles, who suddenly developed acute interest in his shoes.
“Giles?” Buffy murmured, stunned. “I can’t believe it… Actually, I can. Nobody but you could do it. Willow had been too scared after her “wish will be done” failure to do another spell.”
Giles nodded sullenly. “I did it for your own good, Buffy. When Xander and Anya told me that you were, um, – busy with Adam and Eve activities, I didn’t have a choice. I had to make you – all four of you – forget about it. Because, if the Council somehow found out about it, they’d… I don’t know exactly what they would have done, but I’m sure you wouldn’t have liked it.”
“Bleeding wankers,” Spike groused. “There is nothing wrong with sex. Why did they get their knickers in a twist? A properly shagged Slayer is a more fit and effective Slayer.”
“Spike – one more word and I will stake you! And you, Giles – I realize you had been doing it for my own good all those times, but…”
“All those times?” Xander, Willow, Anya and Dawn exclaimed in unison.
Giles started polishing his glasses. “Buffy, I swear – all the other times it wasn’t me. I have nothing to do with The Council’s decision to erase your memories of sex with Spike when you ran away from Sunnydale. I found out about them erasing your memories when it was over…”
“I’ll suck the bastards dry,” Spike growled.
“Wait a sec,” Xander murmured. “I’m a bit lost. What’s the other time? So, The Council didn’t know about Buffy and Spike, um – visiting the Netherlands – in your bedroom during Willow’s spell …”
“I mean another occasion,” Giles coughed. “In summer of 1998 The Council found out that Buffy and Spike had met in Los-Angeles and… and…”
“…had copulated,” Anya suggested helpfully.
Giles winced. “When I arrived there, I was told that everything had been taken care of and that the Slayer had been put on the right path. The next day Buffy ran away again, precautions notwithstanding. The Council assured me they had erased Buffy and Spike’s memories of their, um…”
“Horizontal mambo?” Anya prompted.
“Sex, Anya,” Buffy said, exasperated. “It’s called sex. S-E-X. One more colorful euphemism and I’ll start damaging your property. And, since we opened this closet full of skeletons, I want to know who deleted the rest of my memories of sex with Spike.”
“The rest?” Giles asked, incredulous.
“The rest?” Anya said, intrigued.
“The rest?” Xander murmured suspiciously. “Please, Buff, tell me you’re joking. Spike, she’s joking, right?”
“My lips are sealed, Harris. I don’t want the Slayer to stick her phallic substitute into my undead heart.”
“Oh. Not a joke, then.”
“Spill, Buffy,” Anya said. “All good things come in threes. When and where did you do it the third time?”
Buffy rolled her eyes. “It depends on which one consider the third. The sex in the Initiative cell – that was definitely Maggie Walsh’s machinations. I remember now that her soldiers trapped me, tagged me as a demon and sent me to the block where Walsh’s assistants had been doing their nasty experiments. She put me and Spike in a cage and I think she drugged us with some aphrodisiac…”
Spike smiled dreamily. “Luv, you were insatiable. I’ll never forget your hot little hands and your greedy lips. I’ll never forget how disappointed I was when that buzzkill Riley Finn recognized you…” Off Buffy’s glare he explained to the others hastily, “It was quite a shock when Finn told them that Buffy was Walsh’s new student. Looks like Madame Frankenslut took precautions and brainwashed us.”
Buffy nodded reluctantly. “Yes, it looks like Walsh. But I don’t think The Initiative had anything to do with our sex the day before I was turned into a rat…”
Xander raised his hand timidly. “I think it might be my fault – I mean, Amy Madison’s fault – which makes it my fault, eventually… well, partly, at least. I asked Amy to do a love spell for me. Her first attempt went awry. She has told me that she had felt the power, but it went in the wrong direction. Later she did a counterspel. She promised me that it would cancel all the consequences. But we couldn’t find out what direction the power went in…”
“It went in the right direction,” Spike assured him. “I was asleep in my lair, paralyzed and utterly helpless, and I woke up to the Slayer kissing and riding me senseless, asking me to bite her…”
“Shut up, Spike!”
“Sorry, Slayer. It turned out for the better, innit? Your blood healed me so I could help you to defeat Angelus a month later.”
“I often wondered how you got healed, Spike,” Giles said. “I know that vampire’s only medicine is Slayer’s blood, and, frankly, I suspected that Buffy… um… did something unorthodox to provide an ally behind the enemy lines.”
Buffy gasped. “You mean you thought all the time that I had had sex with Spike?”
Giles squirmed. “Well, turns out I was right. And, in the end, your… um… magic-induced action – as well as Xander’s and Amy’s incredible recklessness – helped to avoid the Apocalypse.”
“Well, yeah,” Xander grumbled. “Sorry for helping to save the world. Next time we’ll be more cautious.”
Buffy shook her head ruefully. “Oh, by the way – Willow, there is something important you should know. Now, when I got my memories back, I realized that the place I thought was heaven was in fact a mental ward in another dimension. Local doctors stuffed me with happy pills that made me forget about everything.”
Willow’s eyes have filled with tears. “You mean… you were in a bad place, after all? And we were right to bring you back?”
“But of course! I tried to escape from that place, together with… another patient.” She blushed profusely and gave Spike a sidelong glance. “His name was William Pratt.”
Spike visibly cringed. “Bloody hell! I can’t believe there’s a dimension where another me hadn’t got rid of that poncy name!”
Buffy smiled wistfully. “He was so sweet. A poet who had been put into the mental clinic because he believed that vampires were real. We escaped from the clinic together, hid in an empty house and William held me in his arms all night. I think it was the best night of my life. It was true heaven. But in the morning they found us and sent back to our separate cells.”
Dawn snorted. “If heaven is being together with Spike then what’s your problem, Buffy?”
“My problem? My problem’s that Spike is not William. He is unsouled and evil! As soon as his chip’s out, he’d start biting and killing and I’d have to dust him! I had enough heartbreak with Angel, I don’t want to live through it again!”
“I wish I had your problems, Buffy,” Dawn said dismissively. “You want your vamp souled? There are so many ways to ensoul him… Spike, are you game?”
“Hell I am! I don’t want to turn into a eunuch!”
“You have a barbaric and old-fashioned notion of the soul concept.” Dawn grinned. “Thankfully, all my memories are back and I know an easy-peasy way to get a permanent soul. Go to Africa and find a demon named Lloyd. He’s local wrestling and boxing entrepreneur… Actually, he’s a wizard – but he’s currently strapped for cash so he organizes fights in his cave for a living. Win a couple of fights with his guys, and Lloyd would grant you a permanent soul that even wild monkey sex can’t take away!”
“Dawnie, are you sure? How do you know about that guy?” Buffy asked, confused.
“I told you – I got my memories back too. I remember how the Powers That Be argued if they should send Spike to Lloyd’s cave. They decided it was too early. They wanted to torment him more. They have enjoyed torturing him ever since he met Buffy.”
“What?” Spike gasped. “You’re pulling my leg, Niblet! No way you can remember that – you were a green ball of energy back then.”
“Exactly. I was everywhere. I was everybody. I remember what they said. I remember what they felt. They all thought you two together was like catching lightning in a bottle.”
“Tell us more about it, Bit,” Spike asked, smirking smugly.
“You two weren’t meant to happen,” Dawn explained helpfully. “You, Spike, were meant to die soon after your arrival to Sunnydale. But when you met Buffy, and you two began fighting and snarking, the Powers That Be took notice. They started watching you. They started encouraging you…”
“Perverts,” Xander grumbled. “But who they are, those Powers That Bitch?”
Dawn thought his question over. “I couldn’t see them,” she admitted at last. “But I could feel them. I definitely remember a bright, ambitious, passionate Power with great sense of humor. That Power, named Sarah, had a warm and protective aura. She immediately got interested in you two and she did her best to keep Spike alive. She even appealed to the Supreme Power That Be and asked him to spare Spike. At first the Supreme Power was reluctant, but when other Powers supported Sarah’s plea, he was swayed. Instead of killing Spike he sent him away from Sunnydale.”
“Bleeding wanker,” Spike murmured. “He’s been playing sodding games with us like we’re just puppets in his hands.”
“Not exactly,” Dawn said, grinning. “Turned out that you, Spike, were a very unusual puppet. You started acting on your own. Or, rather, you put another Power That Be under your influence – the one who was supposed to act on your behalf”.
“I have my personal Power That Be?” Spike asked, flattered.
“We all have,” Dawn explained. “But our personal Powers have to comply to the Supreme Power. That guy – they call him Joss – is very demanding and hard to please. But your personal Power – his name is James – did a clever trick. He told Joss the Supreme Power that he had a thing for Sarah – that’s Buffy’s personal Power That Be. So, Joss the Supreme Power took notice and made a test. Do you remember Willow’s spell? When she wished you to marry? That was your trial. And you passed it brilliantly, guys. After that test Joss the Supreme Power wisely stopped resisting your mutual attraction.”
“Dawnie,” Willow said timidly. “Could you tell us if these Powers That Be had plans for me and Tara?”
Dawn frowned. “They have nasty plans for you, guys. They want to break you up, make you suffer and then kill…” Dawn bit her tongue.
“They want to kill Willow?” Tara exclaimed. “There must be a way to stop them!”
“Show me where these wankers are hiding and I will suck them dry, chip or no chip,” Spike growled.
“I rarely agree with Spike, but today I’d gladly join him,” Xander said. “That is, I’m not going to suck them – um, dry. I’d rather kick their asses.”
“Dawnie, you have to recall everything they were saying,” Buffy said. “Don’t worry, Will, we’ll find a way to save you.”
Dawn coughed. “Actually, Joss the Supreme Power wants to kill Tara,” she murmured. “He thinks that Tara’s death would make Willow evil and she would try to end the world.”
Giles paled. “Dawn, are you sure? Because if you are, we have to take measures. Tara, Willow – you two have to go with me to England. The Coven will give you sanctuary. They have very powerful protection spells. Hopefully the Powers That Be wouldn’t be able to break through them. I know you two are not on the best of terms right now, but you have to put up with each other.”
“Tara,” Willow said with a trembling voice. “I know I did a horrible thing, and if there is anything – anything! – that I could do…”
“Go pack our stuff – and use your hands, not your magic,” Tara said flatly. “We’re leaving for London on the first flight. And prepare for an ordeal at the Coven. Abstaining from magic is hard and painful.”
“I totally deserve an ordeal!” Willow exclaimed. “Baby, as long as you’re with me, I can overcome anything. Oh, Tara, I love you so much! Thank you for giving me a second chance – I won’t blow it, I promise!”
Tara smiled sadly. “When I believed for a moment that you might be killed soon, I swore to myself that I would do anything to save you. And I intend to keep my oath.”
“So, we’re leaving tonight,” Giles said.
“Me and Anya – we’re leaving too,” Xander added.
Anya looked at him with surprise. “We are?”
“We’re leaving for Las-Vegas, Ahn. I want to marry you as soon as possible. Before I accidentally find out that I somehow had sex with Spike in all the Kama-Sutra positions… That is, if you don’t mind.”
“I don’t mind marrying you and I don’t mind Kama-Sutra,” Anya said brightly. “Actually, I don’t even mind Spike. We could do a sexual experiment and trade partners with…”
Buffy sent her a murderous glance. “Back off my vampire, demon girl, or you’ll regret the day you were born!”
Andrew felt his black eye, rubbed his jaw and winced again. Jonathan patted him on the shoulder. “Don’t sweat, buddy. Warren’s not worth it.”
“I don’t understand why he was so mad,” Andrew whined. “Yes, I hypnotized him. I made him enjoy the exquisite taste of my love spear and I saddled him up for a ride. And I made him forget it. But I’m a supervillain. I’m supposed to be evil, treacherous and perfidious.”
“I think Warren didn’t like that you were on top,” Jonathan suggested.
Andrew looked at him suspiciously. “How do you know that I was on top?”
“You left your camera on.”
“I was a true God of Sex, wasn’t I? ” Andrew beamed. “Hey, since it had come out, I have nothing to hide anymore! I should upload my brilliant movie online. I’m only worried that Warren could try to kill me for my manifestation of artistic freedom.”
“Hardly. Buffy’s sister rubbed the stone on the ring of Thalia and summoned her. I saw it on our monitor.”
“Thalia. A Greek muse of comedy. She transformed our reality according to her whimsy. Don’t you feel it?”
“That we live in a funnier world. The world without suffering and deaths.”
“The world with black eyes and hurt jaws.” With a heavy sigh Andrew turned to the monitor and squealed in delight. “Jonathan, we finally did it! We found free cable porn!”
Jonathan checked the signal. “It’s not the cable. It’s the feed from the camera we put in Spike’s crypt…” He clicked the sound button.
“Ohhh… Spike – it was fantastic… I never had it so good.”
“Lookey at those naughty eyes! Thinking some pervy thoughts, Slayer?”
“Mmm… Spike, there is something I want you to know. When I’ve got my memories back, I remembered a day when Angel was human.”
“What!? Are you serious?”
“Uh-huh. He rejected his humanity and made everybody forget about it.”
“Bloody hell. Thank the devil it wasn’t me who turned him back. Because I couldn’t stand having Peaches as both my sire and my childe.”
“And of course he thought he did for my own good. I think he should pay for it. Are you game?”
“Sure, luv. So… what do we do to make it fun? Chains? Handcuffs? Scourges?”
“What about all of the above? The Ex-Scourge of Europe will get a sex lesson he’ll never be able to forget!”
Originally posted at http://seasonal-spuffy.livejournal.com/355427.html