Summary: Who’s the Sexiest Couple in the Scoobies? Buffy and Anya get into an unconventional battle of wills at dinner. Takes place approximately one year after “Not Fade Away,” shortly after Buffy and Spike have officially started dating. One-shot, 1400 words.
Author’s Note: This is insanely silly (but hopefully funny) fluff. And for background information purposes, in my post-NFA verse, Angel and Spike were each given one life as a reward for defeating Wolfram and Hart. Angel chose to bring Cordelia back to life and Spike chose Anya; Willow and Oz are also back together.
Disclaimer: BtVS and all its characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc.
“Now that you’re official and no longer pretending to hide what all of us knew anyway,” began Anya matter-of-factly, “We need to think of a superlative for you.” She looked at the blondes across the dinner table expectantly, as though this wasn’t a complete non sequitur.
Buffy and Spike glanced at each other. “A superlative?” repeated Buffy.
“Yes,” said Anya. “You know, Willow and Oz are the Cutest Couple. Xander and I are the Sexiest Couple. Cordelia and Angel are the Most Badass Couple. You guys need a superlative now, too.”
Spike snorted. “How about you find a new superlative for Cordy and Angel instead, pet. There’s no way in hell- in any of them- that Peaches is more badass than I am. I think even little old Victorian me was more badass than Captain Brooding.”
“Highly doubtful,” said Anya.
“Yeah, you’re reaching there, sweetie,” said Buffy, patting Spike’s hand. She looked back at Anya before Spike could retort. “But we’re definitely the Sexiest Couple.”
“I told you, that one’s already taken,” said Anya, unperturbed. “Xander and I are the Sexiest.”
Buffy’s smile could only be called patronizing. “Just because you have the most sex does not make you the sexiest.”
“I beg to differ,” said Anya. “And it’s not just about the quantity, although Most Orgasms could also be our superlative.”
Giles choked on his mouthful of wine. A dark flush crept up Xander’s neck. “Um, Ahn…”
“Fine, you can have that one. We’ll take Sexiest,” said Buffy.
“No, you won’t.” Anya shook her head as though Buffy were being thick on purpose and said patiently, “Who here has been a couple the longest, has the most sex in the best, most creative ways and places, and is picture perfect?”
“Okay, we are definitely prettier than you two,” said Buffy.
Anya straightened, her eyes narrowing. “Take that back.”
Buffy raised one eyebrow. “No.”
Spike tried to avoid making eye contact with anyone even as he fought to repress a grin. Every day Buffy awed him in new ways. He knew that she loved him and wasn’t ashamed in the slightest about their relationship, but hearing Buffy defend it – and argue that it was the sexiest no less- made him giddy inside and gave him 100% more warm, fuzzy feelings than any Big Bad should ever feel. He was pretty sure those fuzzy feelings were on full, blinking neon display in his gaze- hence the avoiding of eye contact.
This was fairly easy to do, as Giles was staring at the ceiling, Willow and Oz were looking at each other as though pondering whether they should try to break up the argument, Xander was staring transfixed at Anya, half-horrified and half-proud, and Buffy and Anya were staring daggers at each other. Spike hadn’t been present during Buffy and Anya’s battle in Sunnydale, due to being crazy-out-of-his-mind at the time, but he’d heard about it. He wondered how this compared.
“Plus, it’s not like we’re a new couple,” said Buffy. “You just admitted that we’ve been unofficial for a while. And you want to talk about creative ways and places to have sex? Spike and I brought down a house once! Literally, we knocked down a house!”
For a second Spike thought he’d heard wrong; but no, she really was referencing their affair in Sunnydale. In explicit detail. In front of her friends. And she sounded proud. He’d always known she had a competitive streak but this…
How had he gotten so lucky?
Spike covered half his face with his hand but couldn’t bring himself to cover it completely. He knew he should be mortified- and a tiny part of him was- but he also felt an insane desire to laugh. He may have his soul but he was still a vampire- still a little sadistic. And Giles’ rapidly reddening expression of sheer horror was the funniest thing he had seen in ages. He hoped the old man didn’t have a heart attack- that would put a damper on things and Buffy seemed like she was just warming up.
Anya was actually stymied for a moment. “Well…Xander and I are in the mile high club! You guys aren’t!”
Buffy made a dismissive sound and actually rolled her eyes. “The mile high club is so passé. Try doing it in a crypt a couple dozen times.”
“Hey, guys,” began Oz. “How about we just give you “Most Badass” and-”
“First of all, ew,” said Anya. “Second, we’ve done it in lots of weird places. Like at the Magic Box-”
“I don’t need to know that,” interrupted Giles.
“Oh, like you couldn’t have guessed,” retorted Anya, as Buffy said, “Big deal, you worked there.”
Anya ignored her and continued listing. “Xander’s construction sites. On heavy machinery.”
“Ew,” Buffy mimicked. “What, Xander wasn’t enough so you needed extra vibration?”
“Hey!” cried Xander.
“Sorry, reflex,” said Buffy.
“The beach. Try doing that with your flammable boyfriend!”
“Ever heard of moonlit walks on the beach?” said Buffy sweetly. “We’ll get there.”
“Please stop,” said Giles.
Both women ignored him.
“The kitchen floor-”
“Your kitchen floor,” snapped Anya. “In Sunnydale.”
There was a pause.
Spike snuck a look at Buffy. She had finally turned red as well, though not, he suspected, from embarrassment.
“You did what?”
Anya simply smirked. Then her eyes widened and, amazingly, so did her smirk. “Oh yeah, we also did it on Spike’s bed in the basement.”
Xander made a strangled noise that sounded “An- ya- heurgh…”
“Did you know about that?” demanded Buffy, whirling to her left.
“Yes,” admitted Spike. “Could smell it.”
“Oh, ew,” muttered Willow.
“Gave Harris a good talking to at the time,” he continued, vividly recalling how he’d menaced the boy about it and then, when it seemed like Harris might wet his pants, switched tactics and teased him mercilessly, with a good threat to disembowel him if he did it again to top it off.
“So I think it’s fairly obvious to everyone that Xander and I are the most passionate, creative, do-it-anytime-anyplace, sexiest couple,” said Anya, seeming to preen as almost everyone else at the table looked like they wanted to either laugh or cry.
“You aren’t,” said Buffy shortly. “And don’t worry, we’re well up to the task of proving it. C’mon, Spike, dinner’s over. We have some catching up to do.”
She had stood and pushed in her chair before Spike understood the implication. A grin spread across his face as he slowly- deliberately- pushed back his chair, put his napkin beside his plate, and stood.
“Now really,” protested Giles as Willow covered her mouth and stifled what sounded suspiciously like a laugh. “Must you be so childish and- and crass and vulgar? Can’t this- this-” He waved his hand, apparently unable to come up with a suitable euphemism. “Can’t this wait?”
“Sorry,” said Buffy, not sounding sorry at all. “Dinner was great, thanks for having us. But we really have to go. Where’s the nearest beach?” Spike heard her mutter as she made to turn.
Then she swiveled back and faced Anya again, a self-satisfied smile lighting up her face. “Oh, and that other superlative of yours? Give us a few months and we’ll have you beat on that, too.”
Anya actually bristled, as though she had never been more offended in her life. She slammed back her own chair and stood. “In your dreams, Slayer. Come on, Xander, let’s go.”
“Sex! Now! If they’re doing it, we’re doing it, and I can promise you, we’ll be doing it better!”
She ushered Xander from his seat and toward the foyer, continuing to shoot Buffy glares. Spike caught a quick glimpse of Xander’s confused and slightly elated expression and had time to wiggle his eyebrows and smirk at the boy before Anya dragged him out the front door.
Spike didn’t know which woman would lose the fight this time, but he had a feeling he and Xander would both be winners.
Originally posted at http://seasonal-spuffy.livejournal.com/413744.html