Point of View, Part 2, Dawn

This entry is part 2 of 4 in the series Point of View
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Onward and upward. Dawn gives her two-cents worth:

Point of View, Dawn
Rating: PG-13
Summary: One relationship from many angles. Set after Lies My Parents Told Me in S7.
Pairing: Spike and Buffy, of course


Spike is sleeping in the basement, right down in our own basement. In the same house we sleep in. I can’t believe Buffy brought him back here.

No, I believe it. It’s so like her. The rules are different for her.

OK, that’s not completely fair. She is different. She’s the Slayer. But still…

It’s funny. I don’t have any strong feelings one way or the other about her and Angel. I guess it’s because I know I wasn’t really here back then. I remember some stuff: the time I walked out on the back porch and they were necking and Angel jumped away from her like he’d got hit with a cattle prod. He was so embarrassed. I laughed for an hour. But then, that didn’t really happen. I’ve actually never met Angel. He was long gone and she was mid-Riley before the Monks stuck me here.

The stuff I remember about Angel is mostly pretty fuzzy, and it’s getting fuzzier.

Once, I asked Buffy if she’d take me to LA so I could meet him sometime, and she looked at me like I was nuts.

“You know Angel,” she said. And then she got all avoidy, because she knew what I meant and she doesn’t like dealing with the realities, or non-realities more like it, of me being me.

Riley was different. I really did know him. And he was great. I mean, he was really good to me — not just “I have to be nice to the brat because I’m macking on her sister” nice. He really cared about me. But it was grownup caring for little kid caring.

If Buffy had ended up with Riley, I guess I’d have been OK with that. Riley was OK.

It’s always been different with Spike. Once, he told me about this time when I was 11. Drusilla kidnapped me, because she’d got it into her head that I was neglected and she wanted to be a “mummy.” She was nuts, and sometimes she sort of forgot she was a vampire. Spike had a cow because he knew Buffy was going to kill him — you know, she was going to get serious about it — if anything happened to me. So he had to get me away from Dru and get me back to Buffy without her ever knowing it had happened.

It was weird, because I don’t think I remembered that before he told me about it. But after, I could remember it — even the parts he didn’t tell me, like when Drusilla and me were alone together and she told me I was always going to feel different from everybody else, because I’m only partly real. She could see what I was.

It’s confusing being me. But I guess is would be even more confusing not being me. You know?

You want a laugh? Buffy still to this day doesn’t know Drusilla kidnapped me, because Spike delivered me home safe and sound before she got back from patrolling, and he told me never, ever to tell her about it, and I didn’t. But then, when I think about it, why should I tell her? It never even happened.

That’s my first memory of Spike, though. The uber-evil vampire who made sure I got home safe. It doesn’t make a lot of sense — Spike wasn’t afraid of Buffy in those days. I don’t think he ever was — except maybe after he got the chip, before he figured out she wouldn’t kill him. But I don’t think about it a lot, because what does it matter if it never happened?

Later, when Glory was after us — the stuff that really did happen — Spike was like the best friend I ever had. Not like Riley. Spike was my real friend. I could go hang out with him and he wouldn’t act all weird because I was the pseudo-kid who just happened to be the mystical key that could destroy the world. He treated me like a person, and not a kid-person either.

And now, I feel bad, because I wish we were friends like that again. I could use a friend, and I bet he could too. But I was so mean to him when he first came back, that it makes me feel bad, so I just kind of give him his space. I don’t go down the basement just to talk to him, and he thinks I’m still mad at him.

I’m not really. But I don’t really know how to make it OK again. I don’t know if it ever can be OK again.

But him and Buffy, I don’t know what I think. I guess it doesn’t really matter what I think. I don’t get to say who she is with. She’s my older sister, not my mom, and I guess she’s got a right to be with anybody she wants.

That’s grown-up, rational Dawn talking, by the way. She checks in from time to time. Immature, spoiled-brat Dawn is a little miffed that Spike is the most important person in her life. He is, you know.

I wish it was me. It ought to be me. But maybe not. I’m not completely real, remember?

I never have been the most important thing in her life, even though she’ll never admit it. Even when she jumped off the tower so I wouldn’t have to. Boy, it makes me feel like a creep to say this, but even that wasn’t really for me. She was just tired. She saw the way out. And she didn’t want to come back, because then she’d just have to take care of me again.

I guess I don’t blame her. I’m not really her sister.

But Spike was really my friend. And it hurts to think he’s not anymore. Maybe if Spike and Buffy stay together, eventually, he will be again.

So, I guess I’m OK with them together. Yeah… So, I’ll just be over here being research girl, and they can be all Romeo and Juliet … only Romeo and Juliet both died, so I guess that wouldn’t be so good.

They can be all Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle, and I’m going to be 45 and I’ll never have had a date. Because who’s going to look at me with all the Slayerettes around, and since this is the Hellmouth, if I did get a date it would turn out to be a vamp and Buffy would just kill him anyway — or I would.

Yeah, I was right in the first place. The rules are different for her.


Originally posted at http://seasonal-spuffy.livejournal.com/80187.html

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