Narrative poem: Haikus Illegal in Several States

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Title: Haikus Illegal in Several States
Author: thenewbuzwuzz
Setting: Something Blue
Rating: rated R for language, smut-adjacent crack, and illegal activities
Word Count: around 500.

I’ve wanted to write this concept since 2016.
It’s a Hidden Gems Secret Santa gift for stuffnonsense, who asked for a series of interconnected haiku.
I set my string of Spuffy haiku in Something Blue, because it’s not like that has been done before, in this very community, excellently.
Many thanks to the_wiggins for awesome beta help!


“Fix me!” he begs the
campus lawn in vain, right in
front of the Slayer.

Can’t even deck her
as she drags him by the ear
to Scooby Central.

Bodies thrumming like
bows, they shoot sharp words across
the space of a breath.

Oh, the things he wants
to do to her! Illegal,
in several states.

murder, granted, would be a
no-no everywhere.

Shredding the remains
with his bare hands, though — not sure
there’s a law for that.

She has it coming.
Whatever they leashed him with
can’t last all that long.

Then he’ll — where was he?
marry her! With fake papers,
‘cause he’s evil, see.


Parted by cruel
shop errand, he skims Watcher’s
stash of old Playboys.

Some good short stories,
Playboy used to print for the
discerning reader.

What’s this, then? “A List
of the Weirdest Sex Laws in
the United States”?

The thing about laws:
no biting doesn’t mean he
can’t be Bad, Bigly.

He fought the law, and
it broke him, but he can still
break it in return.

Yes, time to plan the
honeymoon, soon as she’s home
with the spell whatsits.

He bets he can show
the Slayer where the fun is
in a life of crime.

She could use a break.
They’d just be two travellers,
like Bonnie and Clyde.

First stop: Michigan,
for romantic seduction
before the wedding.

They’d take a detour
through North Carolina, to
tell lies at hotels.

In Montana, they
could get on someone’s lawn and
get off and get off.

They’d fuck in the car,
of course, in New Mexico,
New Jersey, so forth…

In Massachusetts,
he’d happily let her ride
him into next week.

And then they could go
to Florida and engage
in open lewdness.

Swing by New Jersey
for some illegal flirting
in Haddon Township.

The deep forests of
Oregon would hear him mix
worship with curses.

In Colorado,
he’d kiss her hair, softly, so
as not to wake her.

He wants to build her
a home in Phoenix and keep
three dildos in it.

Kiss her slow and sweet
under the Iowa sky
as time holds its breath.

In Idaho, they’d
stroll down the street, talking, and
hold hands all evening.

Then, on to Texas,
to buy four more dildos. Why?
They’d think of something.

In Connecticut,
they’d just make love, in private,
secrets of the world

shining in her eyes
as his life and death falls in-
to place around her.

Washington, DC,
would be the time to break out
the Kama Sutra.

They’d take their toys on
a trip to Alabama.
Also to Georgia.

He turns the page. – In
a freezer? Doesn’t sound fun.
Maybe they’d skip that.

Her nipples would be
all perky, though… breath catching
in uneven puffs…

Bright lamplight would gild
her skin in Roboch, VA,
up close, closer, his.

Mississippi’s where
he’d explain polygamy
to Mr. Gordo

while giving foot rubs
to the only one he needs —
the woman he loves.


The spell breaks on a
kiss. Less “happily ever”,
more “UGH, GET OFF ME!”

Enemies again,
by decree of nature and
Watchers and all that.

And so it must stay.
It’s not like he’d ever dream
of breaking the rules.


If you’re like the Wiggins, you probably have so many questions right now. Every part of Spike’s honeymoon plans IS illegal somewhere in the US, allegedly, if you squint. And squint I did. Here are my sources:
The Complete List of Weird Sex Laws in the U.S.A. by C. J. Anders (for Michigan, North Carolina, Florida, New Jersey, Arizona (mentioned as Phoenix in the poem), Iowa, Texas, Georgia, and Mississippi) This article sounds the most reliable to me, but who the heck knows, because even they don’t cite any sources.
Other articles:
Oregon, Colorado, Connecticut
Massachusetts, Idaho, Washington (DC), Alabama, the freezer thing, Roboch (Virginia)
Montana, Mexico, New Jersey

Happy holidays, everyone! <3 Don’t do crime!

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