Wouldn’t you know? The one day I was not going to work late, and guess what happens? ::face palm:: As a result, I’m not sure I’ll get the third ficlet finished by midnight. If not then I’ll post it tomorrow night in my LJ. Also, thanks so much for the lovely comments thus far! I’ll be back tomorrow after work to answer everyone. In the meantime, here’s the second offering…
Author: annapurna_2
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, though I wish they were.
Summary: A little “what if” Spuffy ficlet set post-Tabula Rasa. And that’s all I’m sayin’.
A/N: Okay, this is extremely silly, and I really don’t know where it came from. Other than I wanted to try something different. And it’s definitely that. Heh. Originally wrote this for last year’s seasonal_spuffy. Just barely missed finishing it in time to post it there. Kept meaning to post it in my LJ, but instead it wound up hanging around on my hard drive for a whole year. So now I’m inflicting it on all you lovely readers. Hope you get a giggle. (And who knew it would be so topical?)
Mortgage Crisis
“Tell me, Mr. Giles… oh, may I call you Randy?”
“Not if you want to keep your privates intact.”
“Sweetie, be nice. Um… he doesn’t really use that name anymore. Legally, yes, but he likes to be called Blade.”
“Blade? Ah… that’s a very… interesting… name.”
“It’s from ‘Blade the Vampire Hunter’ on account of that’s what we do. Hunt vampires. Oh! And demons. There are tons of demons.”
“Excuse me?”
“Pet…”
“Whoops. My bad. We’re not supposed to talk about that stuff. I mean, everybody knows this town is crawling with vampires and all sorts of oogly-booglies, but just try to get somebody to admit it and they look at you like your elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top. Sort of like you’re doing now.”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand…”
“Oh, come on. You can’t live here and not know. Seriously?”
“Sweetheart…”
“Well, actually I haven’t been here that long. I just transferred in a little over a week ago to fill a vacant position.”
“Wow. You’re really lucky you wound up with us then. If we weren’t here to give you some tips you’d probably end up another secret statistic! But don’t worry. We’ll set you straight. First thing? Never, ever, ever take a shortcut through the cemetery at night. It’s also a good idea if you try not to invite people into your house. Unless it’s daytime. Just make sure they’re not on fire first. Good rule of thumb? If the hair’s smoking, don’t open the door.”
“Fire? I…oh…look at the time! I completely forgot that I have another appointment waiting.”
“Enough, pet. You’re upsettin’ the nice loan officer here.”
“I’m sure we can find someone else to help you—”
“Now hang on a minute. No need to get your knickers in a twist. She’s just havin’ a bit of fun is all. A regular kidder, my girl is. Pretending to pout now, see? But she’s really laughin’ on the inside.”
“Excuse me? I wasn’t upsetting him. I was giving him perfectly good advice that he’s more than happy to hear. Isn’t that right?”
“She just has a little trouble knowing when to let it go. Ow! Bloody hell!”
“Sorry, sweetums. Was that your shin? I didn’t realize.”
“I… yes, well… very amusing. Quite convincing. So… about your loan application. I’m afraid it’s not complete. You’ve left some of the required information blank.
“Exactly what did you think you were kicking with that armor-plated boot of yours?”
“Not now, honey. Mr. Loan Officer is talking. Required information?”
“Yes. I’m sure it was just an oversight, but since you’ve only been at your current residence less than three months, we also need your previous address.”
“Previous? Like before three months ago?”
“Exactly.”
“Oh.”
“Is there something wrong? You do have a previous address, don’t you?”
“Of course! Duh. I wasn’t living in a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere. At least…I don’t think I was.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“It’s just…I can’t remember.”
“What?”
“My old address. I can’t remember it.”
“I see. Well, perhaps you could look at an old utility bill?”
“I could. If I knew where they were. But if I knew that, then I wouldn’t have to, would I? ’Cause then I’d know where I used to live, since I’m pretty sure that’s where they are. Where I used to live, I mean. And I don’t know where that is. Or was. And I really, really wish I did, since we might not have to be here applying for a stupid loan in the first place if I just knew where it was. We could maybe be there instead, living in a perfectly good house that’s already paid for. Maybe. Unless it was…you know…an apartment or something. In which case, oh well. Anyway, that’s why we left it blank.”
“ ———–”
“Mr. Loan Officer?”
“ ———–”
“Hate to say it, pet, but I’m thinkin’ you just fried his brain.”
“Don’t be silly. He’s just…thinking. About how we can get around that stupid old address thingy. Which, okay, might be a little tricky since neither one of us knows where we used to live. But it’s just a technicality, right? I mean, they wouldn’t keep us from getting a home of our own, would they? ’Cause that would be just… really mean.”
“And we all know how warm and fuzzy banks are.”
“Excuse me? Was that sarcasm? That was sarcasm, wasn’t it? You were being all sarcastic with me, right in front of our loan officer!”
“Now, pet…”
“Don’t you ‘pet’ me, mister! I came here so we’d have a place of our own to live after we’re married, just you, me and Dawn. I didn’t come here to be sarcasted at. Maybe we should just forget the whole thing.”
“Shhh, sweetheart. You’re right, pumpkin. I’m sorry. I should never have been sarcastic in a public place. I promise, from now on, I’ll save it all for the bedroom. Or, wherever.”
“I’m just a big joke to you, aren’t I?”
“Of course not, love.”
“Never mind that I’m way stronger than you. You think I’m stupid!”
“Never. You’re my brave, smart, wonderful girl. Not a woman in the world can hold a candle to you.”
“And now you’re being all patronizy and stuff. You think you can make fun of me and then just throw a little sweet talk my way to get you off the hook?”
“Course not. Thought maybe 24 hours of dirty, nasty sex would do the trick…”
“That’s. It. The wedding is off!”
“Now, sweetheart, we’ve been through this a few times already…”
“This time I mean it!”
“Of course you do, cupcake. But we’ve sent out the invitations. We’d have to call everyone and cancel.”
“Fine. I’ll take Dawn, Willow and Tara. You can tell your father, Anya and Alex.”
“Right. Well, then. Can see you’re set on this, so I won’t argue with you. Just want you to be happy, petal. Want you to have the life you deserve, even if it’s one without me in it. Truth is, since the moment I woke up and saw you in the magic shop, always knew you were too good for me.”
“Hmph.”
“It’s plain to see I’m a thoughtless git who’s not fit to breathe the same air as you or to bask in your beauty. Could never deserve you, even if I live to be a million. But if you did see fit to change your mind…again…I’d do everything in my power to see that you didn’t regret it.”
“Well…”
“Because I can’t remember what my life was like before I met you. Even if I could remember, I wouldn’t want to.”
“Really?”
“Really. And if you’d only take me back, I’d be the luckiest vampire-with-a-soul in the world to have you for my very own.”
“Oh, honey, that’s so sweet. But I think that last little bit comes under the heading of ‘things we do not speak about in front of loan officers,’ doesn’t it?”
“Think his brain is still short-circuited. Pretty sure he didn’t catch a thing.”
“I guess. So what should we do? Now that the wedding’s back on we need him walking and talking if he’s going to approve our loan.”
“Yeah, well…don’t think that’s gonna happen.”
“Why not?”
“After everything we’ve told him? Pretty sure he’ll have us pegged as a bad risk. Not likely they’re gonna cough up the dosh to a couple of demon hunters. They want to be sure we’re still around makin’ payments in thirty years, not pushin’ up daisies in the cemetery.”
“Well that’s just stupid. We’re not going to get killed. You’re a vampire and I’m a superhero. We’re a great risk!”
“There’s also the bit about not knowin’ where we lived before we moved in with the relatives.”
“But we can’t help it if we have amnesty!”
“Amnesia, kitten.”
“Whatever. The point is, it’s not our fault we can’t remember anything. And besides, you have a father who can vouch for you, right?”
“Afraid not, pet. He’s got amnesia, too, remember? Can’t recall things any better than your little sis does.”
“I’m sorry…did you say you have amnesia?”
“Well, look at that. He’s back among the livin’ again. Yeah, as a matter of fact. We do.”
“Both of you?”
“That’s right.”
“And your father?”
“ ’s what I said.”
“And her sister, too.”
“You want me to write it down for you?”
“I’m sorry. It’s just…how is that possible? Is this another joke?”
“Am I laughing?”
“Uh…no. No, you’re not.”
“Well then.”
“Ha! Now who’s Mr. Blabby Mouth?”
“Pet…”
“It’s not fair. I start talking about secret stuff, and you’re all ‘Hah, hah, isn’t she funny? Don’t take her seriously.’ But if you decide to mention things we aren’t supposed to mention, you’re one step away from getting all fangy and ripping his throat out just because he doesn’t believe you!”
“Not plannin’ to rip his throat out, love. Would attract too much attention.”
“Doesn’t matter. We both know you couldn’t even if you wanted to. Not with that little performance problem of yours.”
“Oi! We’re not talkin’ about that here!”
“Oh, goodie. Now you’re pouting.”
“Am not.”
“Are, too. And it’s way sexy.”
“Bloody hell! I…wait. It is?”
“Oh, yeah. Makes me all tingly inside.”
“We get out of here, I’ll make you all tingly inside. Outside, too.”
“Oooo, I love it when you leer at me. Hey…where’d he go?”
“What was that, love? Mmm…”
“Stop it, honey. Not here. I’m talking about our Mr. Loan Officer. He’s disappeared.”
“Well, he was blatherin’ on about another appointment.”
“But he didn’t finish with us! How are we supposed to get a house if he won’t give us money?”
“Always got the fallback plan. I hit up dear old Daddy for the money. Figure he’s got some stashed away somewhere. Probably be happy to put it to good use, ’specially if it means he and Slutty Stepmum don’t have to share their place with the three of us anymore. At the very least, he can co-sign. Use the shop as collateral.”
“What if he won’t?”
“Oh, he will.”
“How can you be sure?”
“ ’Cause we’re goin’ home right now and have loud, nasty sex in every room that isn’t occupied, and we’re not gonna stop until he offers up a decent down payment.”
“Blade!”
“What?”
“That’s just…”
“Just what?”
“Evil! Completely and totally evil!”
“Well, yeah, but—“
“And I love it! Think we could get him to throw in something extra for furniture?”
“Not a doubt in my mind, kitten.”
“Cool. So why are we still here?”
“Hell if I know.”
“Oh, Blade, I really do love it when you leer. Race you home…”
——————-
The End?
Originally posted at http://seasonal-spuffy.livejournal.com/273627.html
