TITLE: I’ll be your Princess and you’ll be my Slayer
AUTHOR: Waddiwasiwitch
SUMMARY: Set season 9, goes au during the first of the Spike comics. Andrew and the bugs have a cunning plan to get Buffy and Spike together. It involves a dragon, a castle, a blonde wig and some chains. Enjoy and don’t take it too seriously.
GENRE: Crack,humour
RATING: PG13
NOTES: All you need know about the comics is that Spike has a space ship, with very devoted bugs.
Title courtesy of my good friend and sounding board Sonya.
I’ll be your Princess and you’ll be my Slayer.
Never let it be said be that Andrew Wells wasn’t selfless. Despite, the fact he would rather have Spike all to himself, he knew the vampire was a lost cause and ever since Spike had left Buffy had been sulking. It was clear this two were meant to be together. So when some of the bugs from Spike’s ship had come to him asking for help for their heartbroken master, he was more than willing to aid and abet them.
“His Majesty’s not fit to captain the ship,” Sebastian had explained. “He’s been drinking a lot and yelling about stupid, bloody bints haunting him.”
“We fear he is losing his mind,” Elizabeth had added.
Hence operation space shipping.
Andrew twisted his fake moustache and practiced his evil laugh. “Ha, Ha! I have an idea!”
He had been trying to grow one for Movember, but all he had managed was some fuzz on his upper lip. He wondered if he could get away with keeping it. The bulging eyes of the bugs were all on him. Andrew had been keeping in contact with the bugs since he had met them after the robot debacle. The bugs were eager to please their heartbroken master, and Andrew was feeling guilty about his recent indiscretion. Besides, he was a romantic at heart and he wanted to put those two hopeless love birds back on the right path.
“Never fear, mon ami. We’re going to get Buffy and Spike back together. All it’s going to require is a little imagination.”
***
Buffy was in her pyjamas, sipping wine and sitting in front of the television. She had the place to herself, because Anahed and Tumble were out partying like most twenty-somethings did on the weekend. Buffy had Ben and Jerry to keep her company while she sat and watched a movie.
My life sucks, she thought. She was taking orders from Kennedy, and that was new and a little weird. Still, it beat serving coffee and the money certainly was better. The police force in San Francisco was a lot better prepared these days, since the world had become aware of vampires. She was starting to feel pretty useless and surplus to requirements in the slaying department. What was the point in being a Slayer, when she had nothing to slay?
It wasn’t just her job that was getting her down. There was her whole lack of a love life. Xander and Dawn were doing couple things and Willow was dating some hot chick. She was the one left on the shelf, the gone off milk, the hard piece in the cheese. And a certain stupid vampire, who would remain nameless, had decided he was better off without her. Well done, Buffy. You finally succeeded in running off the stupid, peroxided, bone headed vampire. She took a generous gulp from the glass, before grabbing the bottle of wine and filling her glass right to the top again. I’m just not ready to date, she told herself. Cookie Buffy is still baking.
She shovelled ice cream into her mouth. Mmm. Ice cream is so much better than sex.
She tried to keep him out of her mind, but it wasn’t working and the alcohol really wasn’t helping. Spike kept popping into her head.
Who’s want to date someone with a name like a dog? And I’m totally not mooning over him leaving or imagining him with some other girl. She sighed. Who was she kidding? Besides herself anyway. Everyone else was convinced she was pining over Spike, and Buffy had been trying to convince herself it was for the best. Yeah- she cared about him. She might even love him. But it was never going to work out, and she couldn’t bear to get her heart shattered again. She tried to concentrate on this feeling, but the alcohol had weakened her resolve and the dam she had built to keep her emotions in check. Stupid wine. Looking at the couple with the interlocking lips on the TV, she felt her own lip quiver. She missed the stupid, damn vampire. Lips of Spike! She missed lips of Spike – soft, willing, talented. His tongue could do wonders for a girl. What if he was out there moving on, like they were meant to be, like they should be. She realised she couldn’t bear the thought.
A loud bang on the door interrupted her musing.
“Keep your hair on,” Buffy muttered and made her way to answer it.
She pulled the door open and gasped when she saw two of the bugs from Spike’s ship. This couldn’t be good.
“Has something happened to Spike?” she asked.
The two bugs exchanged a glance. “Mistress Buffy, the Master has been kidnapped. We need you to help rescue him.”
The words jolted her out of her alcoholic stupor. Spike was in trouble! Nobody was allowed put a finger on her vampire.
***
There was a big, mouldering looking castle in the distance. She could see tendrils of ivy were growing around it right up to the uppermost tower. The castle was surrounded by trees and there were mountains in the distance. She could see mountains behind it. She was struck by the thought it would be romantic if the situation wasn’t so dire. Apparently, according to the bugs
Spike had been conned into going inside to save a princess but he had never come out.
“We did try to save him, Miss Buffy,” Elizabeth explained. “However, when we tried to get inside we were chased by a dragon.” The bug shuddered. “We were almost burnt alive.”
“Dragon?” Buffy eyes were out on stalks. “There’s a dragon! Gee, couldn’t you warn me, so I would have some back up.” She paused a moment scrunching her nose. “Hang on, dragons are real. Who knew?”
Buffy’s mind was reeling with the revelation. Then, it hit her with the force of a punch: Spike was very flammable. Fire and Spike were not mixy.
“Where is Spike?” she demanded.
“In the uppermost tower,” Frisky said. “He managed to signal us from the window before we were chased away.”
Buffy stared out at the tall tower. “And how the hell am I going to get up there? Is he going to do a Rapunzel and let down his hair?”
The bugs looked confused.
Frisky spoke once more. “Master Spike does not have long hair.”
“I’m joking,” she explained with a sigh. “People do that sometimes.”
Elizabeth shook her head. “You humans are strange creatures.”
“How am I supposed to get up there, then?” Buffy asked.
“You’ll have to make your way on foot.” Elizabeth pointed at the path that led into the wood. “After that I think you’ll have to use your imagination.”
Buffy turned to leave, when she heard her name being called.
Frisky was rushing towards her with a package. “There is a fireproof jacket.”
Buffy nodded. That would come in handy. She didn’t want to end up crispy Buffy.
Frisky continued, “Also, there is a camera with a built in microphone, so we can keep in contact with you.”
Buffy took the package and tore it open. She put the jacket aside for a moment and examined the small camera, the size of a fingernail.
She eyed it sceptically. “Does that even work?”
“Oh, yes , Mistress Buffy.”
Well it was time to move, while it was still dark. It would make it easier to rescue Spike without the dual threat of sunlight and a fire breathing dragon. A fire breathing dragon would be enough. She found herself wondering again how Spike could have ended up getting himself in this situation.
“Wish me luck,” Buffy said, pulling in the jacket.
“May the force be with you,” they chorused.
***
Spike was furious. He was angry at the bugs, but most of all he was angry at himself for letting this happen. He wondered what possible motive his bugs could have in knocking him out before tying him up and locking him in some tower. It was bug shagging crazy is what it was. The weirdest thing of all was that for some reason Sebastian was now a flippin’ dragon. He kept calling up to peek in at me and apologetic sounding growls. It had all started when the bugs brought news that Andrew wished to speak to him. He should have guessed something was up. Andrew told him Buffy wanted him to complete a mission. Given the speeds his ship was capable of doing any help she could organise would never get there as quick. When he arrived at the top of the tower, it was to see Sebastian with a blonde wig on his head before he was clocked on the head from behind. That had bloody well hurt. Spike started when heard a familiar sounding screech from outside.
“Buffy?” he yelled.
The doors burst open and Buffy flew in the door. A burst of flame came in the door behind her almost singeing her very fine ass. Spike supressed a snort. Unless he was very much mistaken, Sebastian had been chasing her right into the room. Now, the plotting all made sense. She slammed the door shut and leaned against the wall breathing heavily.
“I don’t like dragons,” Buffy muttered.
“Buffy!”
She whirled around finally noticing his presence.
Her eyes lit up. “Spike!”
She ran across the room and threw her arms around him. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“And I you, luv,” Spike said.
“Mmm.” She mumbled against his chest.
“As much as a fella enjoys a cuddle, luv, sometimes he likes to have his hands free to cop a feel.”
He rattled the chains for emphasis.
“Oh Spike, I’m sorry.” She pulled away and started to undo the chains.
When he was finally free, he stretched his arms and legs gratefully.
“My hero,” he said, with a smile. “Does this mean I’m the princess and you’re Prince Charming?”
Her lips twitched.
“And you know how fairy tales usually end?” Buffy raised a brow. “The hero gets to kiss the damsel.”
“You haven’t been kissing other damsels have you?” Spike’s eyes glinted mischievously.
Buffy smiled. “No, there’s only one damsel I’m interested in.”
“Is that so?” Spike asked, dipping his head to meet her lips in a scorching kiss.
A moment later, they pulled apart to let Buffy catch her breath.
“I never should have let you go,” Buffy said.
Spike could hear the hitch in her voice and it was his turn to wrap his arms around her.
“Luv, what’s wrong?”
She was buried in his chest. “I’m a bonehead. I guess that’s why I like you so much, cos we’re both boneheads.”
“What on earth are you yammering about?” He ran his fingers tenderly through her hair.
She leaned back and gazed up at his face. “You were never my dark place. And-I-think-I-love-you.”
The last four words were so rushed, he wondered if he misheard her.
He opened and closed his mouth. “Pardon? What did you say?”
“I’m a bonehead. You’re a bonehead.”
He shook his head. “No, that other part.”
“I love you,” she said, shyly. “You haven’t gotten over me since you left, have you?”
Spike chuckled. “You’re an adorable fool you know.”
He kissed her again, this time in a mixture of devotion and disbelief. Her hands were clutching at this coat and she was clinging to him as if she thought he would disappear.
***
In the bliss of their reunion, Buffy had forgotten all about the bugs waiting nervously for Spike. It wasn’t until she heard a buzzing sound from her jacket that she was brought back to reality.
“Oh crap!” She pulled away reluctantly.
Spike looked a little put out. “What?”
“I forgot about the camera and microphone,” she explained.
Spike rolled his eyes. “Those devious creepy crawlies.”
Buffy frowned. “Explainy.”
He chucked. “You don’t know? I think we’ve both been had, luv. The bloody bugs with help of Andrew tied me up and locked me in a tower.”
Buffy started to snicker. “You were bug-napped. How pathetic is that?”
“As pathetic as being bamboozled into thinking you were rescuing me.”
She shrugged. “I guess we’re as foolish as each other.”
She was still confused as to what the bugs hoped to achieve and what on earth did Andrew have to do with it.
“But why?” she asked.
“Reckon they were trying to match make, Slayer.”
She balled her fists. “You mean they set me up.”
“Good and proper,” he said. “They pissed me off but I know their hearts were in the right place. It’s a close call between kissin’ or killin’ ‘em. I might even kill ’em first, then kiss ’em.”
Buffy looked down at the camera once more. “Let’s not have this conversation where they can hear us.”
Spike grimaced. “Wanna bet they’re hoping for a peep show? No need to wonder whose idea that little beauty was.”
Buffy looked at him in horror. “That little creep. I should have known; It’s not the first time.”
“How about we give them something to remember?” Spike ran his tongue across his teeth and undressed her with her eyes.
She scrunched her nose, “You pig.”
Despite her words, Buffy’s knees felt weak and her heart pounded in her chest. She knew Spike was fully aware of how her body was reacting to his words. Stupid, sexy vampire.
***
Meanwhile, Andrew and the bugs were watching the exchange avidly. The vampyre made a daring move to fondle her breast. Suddenly, Spike pulled the camera from Buffy’s lapel. He brought it right to his face and glared into the camera.
“Andrew, you wanker. I’ve no chip now to protect you. You better hope I don’t bump into you. You might just run into my fangs.”
Andrew yelped as Spike went into game face to press the point.
“And you bugs,” the vampire snarled. “No matter how well intentioned you were, you don’t knock out your king and tie him up in a tower. You bugs are in bleedin’ trouble.”
With that the camera started to spin and there was a boot coming at it before transmission ended. All that was left was fuzz.
Andrew gave a dramatic sigh. “They will thank us some day when they realise all we have done for them.” He twirled his moustache once more.
“I think it is time you restore Sebastian to his former self,“ Elizabeth suggested. “His mission is complete.”
Andrew would be sorry to lose the dragon. It was one of his best works if he said so himself. He frowned as he tried to remember the reversal incantation.
“You will be able to do it?” Frisky asked interrupting his thoughts.
Andrew laughed nervously. “Of course.” He hoped so anyway.
Elizabeth was eying him beadily. “His majesty will be most displeased if you lose him one of his most loyal subjects.”
He put his arms around both Elizabeth and Frisky. “Never fear, my friends. I am an expert in the magicks, just like I am an expert in mending broken hearts.”
The End…
Originally posted at https://seasonal-spuffy.dreamwidth.org/817283.html
