I’m back with the ficlet that I didn’t finish in time for my posting day. I thought I would be out of town and couldn’t post it on free-for-all day, but plans changed. Got a huge project at work that I’ve been living, breathing and not-sleeping over for the last three weeks. I’m finally done with it tomorrow (yay!) and plan to do nothing this holiday weekend but catch up on sleep and enjoy a marathon of Spuffy goodness.
Okay, so considering this is my third dialogue-only RandyBlade/Joan story, I think it’s officially safe to call it… a thing. Dare I even say… a series? So I want to give it a name, but I’m not sure what. Suggestions anyone?
This ficlet has some inside jokes/references to events in the previous two ficlets. If you haven’t read them and would like to first, here’s Mortgage Crisis and here’s Dear Randy.
Now I’m off to pull another all-nighter, so I most likely won’t respond to any comments until Saturday. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy!
Medium: Fic
Title: Adventures in Parenting (1/1)
Author: annapurna_2
Setting: Season 6 AU post-Tabula Rasa
Rating: PG
Summary: Yet another RandyBlade/Joan ficlet. No one ever said raising a teenager would be easy.
“So. You’re nineteen, are you?”
“Uh… no, sir. Sixteen. Turned sixteen last month.”
“Don’t look sixteen. Look nineteen. Little old for Dawn, yeah?”
“Yeah. I mean, no! I mean… I would be if I was nineteen, but I’m not. See? Here’s my learner’s permit. Born in—”
“Whatever. So. How was it again you two met?”
“At the library. She came in one day and I noticed her right away. Not just because she’s pretty… she really is… but mainly because I didn’t recognize her. I mean… my family just moved here and all, but there aren’t that many kids at school and I hadn’t seen her around anywhere. We started talking and that’s when I found out she was being home schooled by her Uncle Rupert. He’s your dad, right?”
“Could call him that. Be more likely to call him a major pain in my arse.”
“Ha… that’s… yeah. I get it. Sometimes my dad can be a little hard to get along with, too.”
“Do tell. Got daddy issues, have we?”
“Uh… no, not really. I just… I just meant that… you know. He can be a little strict. Like most dads. But he’s really a great guy. Sometimes we hang out. Do stuff.”
“So he has to keep a close eye on you then. Bit of a troublemaker, are we?”
“What? No! I don’t make trouble. I mean—”
“Hi, honey, I’m home! Guess who I just killed over at Fairfield Cemetery—oh! Sorry, I didn’t know we had company. Hello, company! You’re… probably wondering what I just spilled down at the cemetery. It was… um… perfume! My… Aunt Bertha’s favorite. You see, before she died, she made me promise to… um…sprinkle it… on her grave. Once a week. But now I can’t. Because I… spilled it. Sweetie, does company have a name?”
“His name’s Roger.”
“Uh… actually, it’s Ryan. But, hey… Roger’s a good name! I could answer to Roger.”
“Honey, stop glaring. You’re scaring our nice guest. The nice guest who is here… because?”
“Dawn. He’s taking her to the movies.”
“Oh, that’s so sweet! Dawnie has a date. I’m Joan, by the way. Dawn’s sister. So where is she? Does she know he’s here?”
“Heard her scream about thirty seconds before he rang the doorbell, followed by a lot of clumping and thumping around that makes me think her closet could be declared a national disaster area about now. So, yeah. Fairly certain she knows.”
“Hmmm. Maybe I should go help?”
“Could. Don’t know as I would. She got a bit testy when I told her the frock she had on made her look like a pregnant flamingo.”
“You seriously told her that?”
“Warned her not to ask if she couldn’t take an honest opinion.”
“That’s a terrible thing to say! I’d better get up there and try to do some damage control before— Wait…what is that? Is that something growling?Blade! Did you get a dog without asking me first?”
“Course not. Think I’m stupid? Told you she was testy.”
“Oh. Right. Oookay, new plan. We’ll all wait down here instead. So… did you offer our nice guest a beverage? The not-even-remotely alcoholic kind, of course.”
“No. Not sodding Martha Stewart, am I?”
“Maybe not, mister. But if your attitude doesn’t improve in the next five seconds, something tells me Martha will have a better chance of making it into our bedroom tonight than you will.”
“Right. Roger, where are my manners? Want a drink? I’ll get you a drink.”
“No! I mean… thanks, but I’m good.”
“You sure? It’s no trouble. Got bourbon, gin and whiskey… think there’s a bit of rum and vodka left. Or if you’d rather, there’s water, lemonade and that fizzy brown stuff. Don’t think much of it myself, but Dawn likes it. I’ll get you one of those.”
“No, really! I’m not thirsty. But thanks anyway… sir.”
“Bugger. You heard him. He doesn’t want a drink. It still counts that I tried, right?”
“That depends.”
“Bloody hell! On what?”
“On whether or not you can make nice with the small talk.”
“Right. Love the jacket. Leather, yeah?”
“Uh, yeah. Thanks. I got it for Christmas.”
“Don’t care. Your turn.”
“I’m sorry… what?”
“You’re not brain damaged, are you? Your turn with the small talk.”
“Oh. Okay… um… I like your house.”
“Thanks. Bought it not long ago. That’s the kind of thing a man does to take care of his lady.”
“That’s only partly true. It was his father who bought it. We tried, but we couldn’t get a loan.”
“Really? That’s funny because my dad is—”
“Oi! Wasn’t my fault the wanker got spooked and rabbited off before approving our loan! I wasn’t the one yammering on about hunting demons and not inviting people into your house if they’re on fire, now was I?”
“I was not yammering! I was advising him! He was new to town. He’d just been transferred to the bank, remember? He didn’t have the faintest idea the kind of trouble he could get into around here. Was I supposed to just go la-la-la and let him get eaten or turned or who knows what else?”
“Might have been an improvement. Thanks to him, Daddy Dearest gets to lord it over us every time we have him and slutty stepmum over for dinner. Sun or no sun, have half a mind to head over to that bank first thing tomorrow and have a talk with that great gormless git.”
“Honey, just let it go. It’s a small price to pay for our very own home, which we are making payments on so it’s not like Rupert isn’t getting his money back. Now, let’s not forget we have company. What were you saying, Roger, about your father?”
“Uh… nothing. Really… um… I forget.”
“Speaking of homes… what about you? You plan to buy Dawn a house or stick her in one of those bloody small apartments?”
“What?”
“Dawn. House. They’re both one-syllable words. What’s so hard to understand?”
“I… I think you’ve got the wrong idea. We haven’t known each other very long. We’re just going to the movies and out for a burger and shake.”
“So you’re stringing her along, is that what you’re saying?”
“No! I just… I really like her, but… I’m only sixteen.”
“Doesn’t matter. Man’s got to have a plan. Prove his intentions are honorable. Got a job?”
“Uh… sort of. I help out at the public library.”
“Get paid for that, do you?”
“No. It’s kind of a volunteer position.”
“Then how do you get your dosh?”
“My what?”
“He means money. It’s British talk. Sweetie, that’s really none of our business.”
“Is, too. It’s my job to look after your little sis. Got to make sure he can provide for her after the wedding and all.”
“Wedding?!”
“Oh, stop it, Blade. That’s crazy. They’re in high school, remember? Do you really expect him to hold down a full-time job and still get good grades? They’ll just have to live here with us until they graduate.”
“Wait! What wedding? What are you guys talking about?”
“We’re talking about your wedding with my wife’s sister, you twit. I assume there’s going to be one. Unless you’re planning to make a dishonest woman out of our little Dawnie? Wouldn’t be thinking of doing that, now would you?”
“No! No way! But… we’re not getting married!”
“Why not? Somethin’ wrong with her?”
“No! There’s nothing wrong with her. It’s just… I’m sixteen!”
“So you keep saying. Your point?”
“Honey, let me handle it. Roger, how does your family feel about all this?”
“My family?”
“Yeah, she said your family. Got one, haven’t you? Anyone besides your not-so-dear old dad?”
“Uh, yeah. Mom. Two little brothers.”
“What does he do?”
“Who?”
“Tom Bloody Cruise, who do you think? Your old man. What’s he do? Sit around all day, does he? Works crossword puzzles, guzzles beer? Bet he lets your mum do all the work. Not much of a role model, is he?”
“No! I mean… you don’t know what you’re talking about! He doesn’t do any of that stuff! He’s a great role model! And if you really want to know, he works at the bank. He’s a loan officer there, and I’m pretty sure he’s the one who didn’t give you the loan. And if he didn’t, you can bet he had a damn good reason for it! And he’s not a wanker… whatever that is! You’re the wanker!”
“Oi! Best watch your mouth, shrimp!”
“No! You watch it! Or better yet… don’t! I’m outta here. You guys are crazy. Tell Dawn…tell Dawn I’m sorry. She’s a really nice girl. But this is never gonna work out. And stay away from my dad…or…or…you’ll be really sorry!”
Slam!
“And there he goes.”
“About time. Stubborn little bugger. Got to admit, he lasted longer than I thought he would.”
“Dawn’s going to kill you. You know that, right?”
“Can’t. Already dead. And what about you? Took the both of us to run him off…Nice touch, Miss They Can Live With Us After The Wedding.”
“Hey, I’m just looking out for her best interests. He wasn’t right for her. There are plenty of other nice boys in town whose fathers aren’t mean, stingy, overreacting loan officers who try to keep perfectly responsible people from getting their own home. But you! You don’t want her dating anyone ever! You are way too overprotective.”
“Am not. Happened to broach that subject with Alex just the other day and we both agree she can start double-dating as soon as she turns forty-one.”
“That soon, huh?”
“Well, if you think it should be longer…”
“We’ll talk about it later. In the meantime, what do we tell Dawn?”
“You’re just now thinking about that?”
“Hey! I don’t claim to be the Brainiac in the family, ’cause…not. So…I repeat, got any ideas?”
“Not really. You?”
“Well… we could tell her he got eaten by a demon?”
“Great plan, love. Except what happens next time she runs into him at the library?”
“Darn. Ooh! I know. We’ll tell her he’s a werewolf! No teenage girl would want to date a werewolf, right?”
“Wouldn’t be too sure about that. You live with a vampire.”
“Yeah, but that’s different. Vampires are sexy. Werewolves are all hairy and stuff. And all grrr, only not in the good way. And, sure, you could lock him up once a month, but think how hard it would be to get your beauty sleep with all that howling going on, not to mention the icky drool andmassive fur balls and why are you looking at me that way?”
“What way?”
“All… you know… that way.”
“The sexy way?”
“Yeah. The very sexy way.”
“I’m a vampire. It’s what we do. Remember?”
“Mmm-hmm… sort of. But I think I’m a little fuzzy on the details. Maybe you could… remind me?”
“Think I could manage that. Could manage it real well. In fact… oh, bloody sodding son of a bitch!”
“What? What’s wrong? Don’t stop! Why did you stop?”
“Bloody buggering hell. Dawn’s here. Dateless. Which poses a problem since I wasn’t exactly planning a chaste little snog in the dark. Thought we might…move around a bit. Wake up a few more people in Los Angeles, if you know what I mean.”
“Mmmmm…I know exactly what you mean. Rats. So what are we going to do?”
“Dunno. But you’ve got your pouty face on. I love that pouty face. Think I’m gonna have to kiss it…”
“Mmmmff… wait, honey… we have to focus. What about… maybe we could rethink that not dating till she’s forty-one thing?”
“Right. Now that you mention it…is a bit unreasonable. Hang on! Was it Tara or Will going on the other day about a boy she thought Dawn would like? The son of one of their neighbors, wasn’t it?”
“You’re right! It was Tara. I’ll call her.”
“Do that. Now. And if he hasn’t got a car, tell her I’ll pick him up!”
FINIS
Originally posted at https://seasonal-spuffy.dreamwidth.org/806012.html
