Fic: The Spuffy, the Witch, and the Utility Shed [3/11]

Title: The Spuffy, the Witch, and the Utility Shed
Author: bewildered
Era: BTVS between s3 & s4
Rating: NC-17 eventually
Summary: When Buffy encounters Spike at her college orientation, the last thing she expects is to be hurtled with him into a demon dimension. Now they must battle together against hordes of unnatural creatures, talking beavers, and… is that a lion?

AU set between seasons 3 and 4. Don’t let the hints of plot fool you, this is mostly just an excuse for some smut. Well, smut and mayhem; it is Spuffy.

With deepest, most heartfelt apologies to C.S. Lewis for the mutilation of his characters and bits of his dialogue.

Warnings: NC-17 for violence and sex. (As of initial posting, 5/15, the smut is still Future Smut, but is on the way soon!) Lots and lots of beloved childhood character death. Sorry!

Thanks to the_moonmoth, who inspired this fic by sending me fic prompts and then egging me on as I got sillier and sillier, and then beta-reading at the very last minute. I am the luckiest ever.

Click for a chapter index!

Chapter 3: What Buffy Found

Buffy made her way through the trees towards the little wisp of smoke, occasionally breaking a branch or kicking over a boulder to mark her path, just in case she needed to be where they’d arrived in order to get home. The snow was falling more heavily now – just enough to make the distance hazy and frost her eyelashes – and she was so occupied squinting to try and see further and wiping away snowflakes from her eyes that she almost missed the little half-naked man. Which was actually kind of impressive, since besides being half-naked he was wearing a bright red scarf and carrying a bright red umbrella, and kind of stood out against the white snow.

But in the end she crashed right into him, and he let out a little squeal of surprise. “Goodness gracious me!” he exclaimed, taking a few jogging steps away, then turned and looked back at Buffy measuringly.

He was about the same height as Buffy, and shirtless, which made Buffy feel colder just looking at him; at first glance she thought he was wearing fuzzy pants, but when she looked closer, she could see that he had the legs of a goat, or maybe a donkey? Whatever they were, they were shaggy and furry and… Oh. Oh, gross. He was, in fact, all-naked.

“Good evening,” he said in an obsequious tone of voice. “I don’t mean to be rude, but are you a Daughter of Eve?”

“Uh, nope,” Buffy said. “My mother’s name is Joyce.”

“Oh. Oh, no, that’s not at all…” The little goat-donkey-man-demon cleared his throat. “I merely meant… You are, well, a girl, yes?” His ears twitched eagerly, and, ew, was that his tail wagging?

Buffy looked at him askance. “Yeah-huh,” she said drily.

“And… human?” His eyes glittered.

“So I’m told,” Buffy said, baring her teeth.

“Quite right, quite right,” he said absently, glancing around nervously. He turned back to her with an ingratiating smile. “My goodness, you do look chilled,” he said kindly. “Perhaps you should like to come and have tea with me?”

Buffy took a step back, narrowing her eyes. “I’m thinking no,” she said frostily.

He took a few steps closer. “Oh, come now. It’s only just around the corner,” he smiled pleasantly. “There will be a roaring fire, and cake….” He gave her a winning look. “Sardines!”

Buffy casually reached behind her, palming the stake tucked in her waistband. “Gosh, that’s kind of you,” she smiled insincerely. “But I really have to be going.”

He bustled forward. “If you will just take my arm,” he offered, “I shall be able to hold the umbrella over both of us.” He reached out for her.

Buffy punched him in the nose.

He staggered back, hand flying to his face, eyes wide. “My goodness!” he exclaimed. “Are you… are you… not fond of sardines?” He waggled his eyebrows at her, hurrying towards her again, hooves crunching ominously through the snow. He still had an inviting smile on his face, but there was something about his eyes now that was flat and shark-like and altogether unpleasant.

When he lunged at her arm again, Buffy staked him right through the heart.

Not being a vampire, he sank to the ground, blood burbling out to stain the snow as his eyes turned glassy and cold. Snow began to gather on his neat goatee.

“Creepy much?” Buffy grumbled, picking up the umbrella and shaking the snow off. “Like I’m that stupid.” She squinted in the direction he had indicated, hoping he hadn’t been lying about the fire at least…

Huh. What was that atrocious noise?

Go on to Chapter 4!

Originally posted at http://seasonal-spuffy.livejournal.com/555621.html