FIC: I, robot. Part 4 – Adaptive Programming

Nearly there…

Buffy was surprised to see a light shinning in the Magic Box on her way back from patrolling the next night. She was an awful lot more surprised when she went inside to check it out. Xander and the Spikebot were sitting at the table, apparently deep in a game of cards which, judging by the small heap of poker chips next to Xander and the teetering pile next to Spikebot, Xander was comprehensively losing.

Xander raised a hand in embarrassed greeting. The Spikebot growled.

“Hey. What gives?” Buffy wandered over to them, swinging her stake. “You’re here late. Doncha have a home to go to?”

Xander glared at Spikebot as he laid down his hand of cards with a smirk and scooped the small pile of chips in the centre of the table toward him. “Been working. Anya’s been stocktaking, so we’ve been down in the cellar all evening…” Xander gestured vaguely, flushing with obvious embarrassment.

Buffy raised an eyebrow. “Stocktaking?”

“Umm… yeah.”

“Tiring work… stocktaking. All that taking of stock and all.” Buffy nodded wisely. “See how it could wear you out. ‘Specially with Anya.”

“Yeah. Right.” Xander’s flush deepened. “Anyway, she went home and I just thought I’d take a little break,” he closed his eyes briefly, “and get some rest,” he added under his breath, “And… you know, Will said we should keep giving the ‘bot things to learn for the adaptive programming and all, so I just thought I might teach Robbie the Robot here how to play poker.” Spikebot grinned and Xander frowned at him. “He’s a quick learner.”

Buffy peered pointedly at a card half hidden on Spikebot’s lap. “So I see,” she said dryly.

Spikebot smirked and pointedly rearranged his winnings. “So – you gonna deal, or what?”

Xander opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by the ringing of his cellphone. He winced.

“You think Anya might be wanting to do a bit more stocktaking?” Buffy gave him an innocent smile.

Xander stood up. “’Scuse me,” he muttered and wandered off with the ‘phone pressed to his ear.

“You’re cheating!” Buffy hissed at Spikebot.

“Well…. Yeah.”

“I’ll bet Xander didn’t teach you how to do that!”

“Didn’t need teaching. Figured it out by m’self.” Spikebot gave a self-satisfied smile.

“Why doesn’t that surprise me?”

“Because you know I’m more n’ just a good-lookin’ an’ sexy face?”

“Humph. S’not even your good-looking and sexy face. Not that it is!” She added quickly at the ‘bot’s smirk. “Good-looking and sexy… more irritating and annoying and… you know, maybe you are getting more like Spike every day.” Buffy looked up to see Xander hovering nervously. “What?”

“Buffy… Buffy, it’s Dawn…”

Buffy felt the familiar sickening lurch in her gut. Dawn. Now what? She jumped to her feet.

“It’s OK!” Xander held up a placating hand, “She’s OK, at home with Willow and Tara and none the worse.”

“What happened?” Buffy struggled to stay calm.

Xander sighed. “She went looking for Spike…”

“Spike? Why did she go looking for Spike?”

“I told her how I got this.” Xander gestured to his bruised nose. “I mean, he’s not been around and you know she has this… stupid thing for him, I guess she…”

Buffy interrupted him impatiently. “So she went looking for Spike and…?”

“She saw Glory’s minions. They had Spike.”

“What?” The sickening lurch returned with greater venom.

“They were dragging him out of his crypt. Dawn said he was pretty beat up…”

“Then I’ve got to go get him back.” Buffy’s voice was tight. “I guess it makes a change from rescuing Dawn. They can’t have got far…”

Xander ran a hand over his hair. “Buffy – thing is, Dawn panicked. She hid in a tomb and the door got stuck and it took her a while… it’s been hours… over three hours, dawn reckons. Glory’s had Spike for three hours.”

Buffy closed her eyes, trying to fight down a sudden surge of panic. “OK – whatever. It’s done. Damage limitations. I need to go after Spike.”

“OK. I’m coming with.” Xander stood up.

“No, wait. I don’t like leaving Dawn…” Buffy bit her lip.

“Take the ‘bot home. Maybe Will can tweak the programming so it’ll protect her…”

“No time. Besides, I don’t trust it.”

“Should think not,” Spikebot grunted. He helped himself to an ace from the pack of cards and surreptitiously slid it onto his lap while Xander was distracted.

“You don’t trust it?” Xander snorted in disbelief. “You left your mom and Dawn in the tender care of the real, live bloodsucking version!”

“But… this is just a robot.” Buffy gestured to the bemused Spikebot.

“And he’s just a soulless vampire. What’s the diff? Both lacking in the finer human feelings and the morality department.”

Spikebot snorted. “Is that meant to be an insult? Because frankly there’s nothin’ that great about morality. You lot with all these so called finer feelin’s, think you’re so bloody high n’ mighty …”

Spikebot was clearly starting on a minor rant, and Buffy really wasn’t in the mood. “Shut up,” she snapped.

“Well, pardon me for breathin’.” Spikebot pouted. “Which I don’t.”

She turned back to Xander. “Spike’s… this…it’s not got any… I dunno! It isn’t Spike.” She shook her head and picked up a crossbow. “It’s different, OK? Look, I do the fighting and the slaying and the saving the world thing. Don’t expect logic, too.” She turned to the still sulking Spikebot. “You. Can you do the thing… the smell thing…”

“You sayin’ I smell?”

“No. Listen – vampires have this heightened sense of smell – they can track people. Can you do that?”

“Well… I guess… I mean, I can smell you’re different from him. You smell like the slayer; he doesn’t.”

Buffy sighed. “It’s worth a try. I’m gonna use him to try and track Spike down. Xander – you go sit with Willow and Dawn. Call up Giles. If we find anything I’ll let you know.” She turned to Spikebot. “C’mon. You’re coming with me.”

“Not sure I wanna.”

“You talk like you have a choice.” Buffy held up the control unit.

The pout returned. “If you’d just asked nicely…”

“Would you have done as I asked you?”

“No.”

“Like I said,” Buffy sorted through the available weaponry, and weighted a crossbow for balance. “You don’t get the choice.”

“Humph.” Spikebot frowned. “What do I get out of it? Do I get to hit you?”

“No. But you might get to hit a few bad guys.”

“Nothin’ in my programmin’ about hittin’ bad guys. Just slayers. Well, just you to be precise…” Having only recently mastered the sulk, he wasn’t letting go that easily. “’m just a robot after all.”

Buffy gave a frustrated growl. “You’re a very sophisticated robot, with the fuzzy logic and the learning adapting or whatever. Learn!”

“Not sure I wanna.”

“Look. You’re programmed to respond to me, right? So – respond to this. You will come with me and help me hit the bad guys.” Buffy spoke slowly and carefully as if to a child.

Spikebot frowned in concentration. “Do I get to hit you afterwards?”

Buffy sighed. “I might let you try. If you’re good.”

He considered. “Yeah. OK. Been a while since I hit anything. C’mon, then.”

Xander watched him suspiciously. “Buffy, on a scale of 0 to major stupidity…”

“He won’t hurt me, OK? Look, we need to know if they got to Spike.”

“We’ll just have to hope they didn’t.”

Buffy bit her lip. “We’ve seen what Glory’s capable of. Spike might be…”

“Singing like an undead canary… yeah…” Xander shook his head.

“Oh!” Buffy realised with a shock of surprise that actually the fear she felt was more about what Glory and her minions might have done to Spike rather than whether or not he’d given the game away. She shook her head. Get a grip! “Right.” She checked her weaponry and headed for the door. “Go sit with Willow. Look after Dawn.” She opened the door and headed into the night at a run, following the well trodden path to the cemetery.

Spikebot followed close at her heels. “So, where we goin’?”

“Cemetery.”

“Sounds like a barrel of laughs.”

“Shut up and run.”

“I can talk and run. Don’t need to do the breathin’ thing.”

“Don’t need to do the talkin’ thing, either,” she muttered at him and increased her speed. Spikebot loped easily along at her side, mercifully quiet.

As they entered the cemetery, Buffy slowed to catch her breath. “Look we don’t know what we’re headed into. You just stay close and try not to get in the way. If I need your help, I’ll shout.”

“Shout what?”

“Well, how about ‘help’? Will that work for you?”

“Help? Kind of unoriginal,” Spikebot snorted.

“Oh… shut up.” Buffy growled.

She dodged around the side of a tomb and came face to face with… herself.

There was a moment’s stunned silence.

Other Buffy smiled brightly. “Say, look at you! You look just like me! We’re very pretty.”

“Bloody hell!” Spikebot was mystified. “Two of you!”

Buffy folded her arms. “No, she’s a robot. Like you. You do remember you’re a robot, right?” Buffy sighed in exasperation. “I mean, can’t you tell? Look at her! She looks nothing like me!”

“Oh! Another Spike!” The Buffybot moved closer to Spikebot, smiling delightedly. “Two Spikes! Double the fun!”

Spikebot leered down at her. “She looks good to me,” he growled to Buffy.

“You are every bit as handsome as my Spike.” Buffybot examined Spikebot carefully. She reached around and squeezed one of the Spikebot’s buttocks. “Oo! You have a nice butt, too! My Spike has an especially fine butt.”

“Spike.” Realisation dawned. “Spike had Warren make…” Buffy shook her head. “Why would Spike want a… oh!” More realisation. “OH!” She closed her eyes, but it was too late – she already had the images. “That’s just…just…”

“For the sex.” Buffybot turned to her with an eager smile. “He just wanted me for the sex.” She rolled her eyes happily. “Lots of sex. In lots of different positions. At least at first. But lately…”

“No! No! Don’t even…” Buffy held up her hands in horror.

“Are you evil?” The Buffybot looked up at Spikebot curiously.

Spikebot considered the question. “You like evil?”

“Oh, yes! Evil excites me and terrifies me.” She gave a small, happy sigh. “When Spike is evil I find it very hard to resist his sinister attraction.”

“Oh, God,” Buffy groaned.

“Oh, I’m evil,” Spikebot leered.

“Oh, good…” Buffybot frowned. “Lately my Spike hasn’t been so much. He brings me flowers and pretty things… see?” she held up the end of a familiar necklace and the moonstone shone softly in her hand, “But all he wants to do is talk. He talks a lot. Mainly about the other me.” She smiled brightly at Buffy. “No more hot sex. Most of my programs haven’t been used in ages.” She looked up at Spikebot appraisingly. “I kind of miss them, if you know what I mean?”

“Erm…” Spikebot checked through his programs but found nothing about hot sex. “No, not really pet.”

“Will you two stop!” Buffy glared at the bots. “I really don’t want to hear this!” She paused and considered. “Spike talks about me?”

“Oh, yes! All of the time. He’s very much in love with you, you know. Luckily I’m not programmed for jealousy, or I think I’d probably have to scratch your eyes out.”

“Scratch…? Hey, sister, you’re welcome to him! You… he made you to look like me so he could… could…” Buffy threw up her hands. “That’s just so disgusting!”

“Oh, it’s not disgusting! The sex was really quite amazing. Spike is very skilled.”

Buffy glared at Buffybot. “It’s wrong, OK? You’re not real.”

Buffybot sighed sadly. “That’s what Spike said.”

“Huh?”

“It was wrong. Having me made.”

This was all getting confusing – not least the surge of relief that coursed through her and felt like something more. “OK! OK! Let’s just leave… it… the…” she felt herself blushing. God, am I twelve? She gestured vaguely.”…the sex thing.”

“Well, that’s what Spike said…”

“No! Leave!” Buffy held up her hand and Buffybot subsided. “Where is he? Do you know where Spike is?”

“Of course! I brought him home. He had a fight with some of these weird guys with the bad skin and dental hygiene issues when I was in downtime and they took him away to Glory. He got away and I found him. I do that – it’s one of my primary programs. I have several. Find Spike. Help Spike. Make Spike happy. Have sex with Spike. Spike’s very brave. And strong. He kicked the skanky has-been-bitch-god’s skinny arse and then we kicked her minions.” Buffybot smiled brightly. “Now he’s covered in sexy wounds. You should see them.” She rolled her eyes appreciatively. “But I think they must be hurting quite a lot. He sent me to buy alcohol.” She held up a bottle of Jack Daniels. “See? I had money!”

“Wait. Glory had Spike?”

“Oh, yes. She wanted him to tell her about a key.” Buffybot frowned. “She was very insistent. Tortured him. Poor Spike was very badly hurt, you know.”

Escaped? Or was set free? Buffy’s heart lurched sickeningly in her chest. “What did he tell them?”

“I mean, why were they interested in a silly key anyway?” Buffybot shook her head bemusedly.

“Did Spike tell them where it was?” Buffy said slowly. “The key.”

“No, silly! Spike would never do that! The key thing is yours, isn’t it? He wouldn’t tell them if it was yours! He loves you!” Buffybot smiled benignly, then held up the bottle. “Now, I must take this to Spike…”

“Look. Would you mind if… could I take it to him?”

“Well…”

“Please? You could talk to…” Buffy grabbed Spikebot’s arm and pulled him closer, “him! You two have a lot in common.”

Buffybot considered, then smiled. “OK! I’m sure Spike will be happy if it’s you.” She handed over the bottle and smiled up at Spikebot. “We’ll find something to do.”

“You wanna feel my bum again?” Spikebot leered down at her.

Buffy shook her head in despair and headed for the crypt.

Part 5

 

Originally posted at http://seasonal-spuffy.livejournal.com/38709.html